Psychological Healing
in the Roman Catholic Mystic Tradition

Questions and Answers

But when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on earth?
—Luke 18:8

Detachment from the World | Dissent | Faith and Doctrine | Family Life | Forgiveness and Mercy | Guilt and Scruples | Hate Mail | Healing |
Matrimony | Sexuality | Sin | Social Responsibility |
Struggle for Holiness | Miscellaneous

	New Questions
	(The most recent seven that are new or with new major revisions)
•	Masturbation and Pornography  –  30 APR 2008
•	Disturbing Fantasies  –  13 APR 2008
•	Voting  –  12 MAR 2008
•	Anger  –  9 MAR 2008
•	Evil  –  4 FEB 2008
•	Too strict?  –  3 FEB 2008
•	Scruples  –  16 JAN 2008
	Detachment from the World
1.	Wait a minute. Christ never told us not to smoke or not to drink our diet colas. What does giving up these things have to do with a spiritual life?
2.	This all sounds like that silly medieval idea of hating the world. What’s wrong with God’s creation?
3.	. . . although I want to grow spiritually, I am afraid because I have been overwhelmed by the cross and God did not give any respite despite my call to Him and at the back of my mind there is this thought: If I grow closer to God, I will be given a heavier cross. I don’t think I can take any more crosses. The saints are made of hardier stuff than me.
4.	You write that saints love in a real way meaning they give up all carnal things in the world, even identification about themselves, even anger at God which is a human emotion at times. Then, your psychology website consistently talks about acknowledging human feelings or emotions to heal fragmentation but on the other hand, you write that feelings of simple love, defenses, bribery, victim thinking, etc. are illusions opposed to real love. So what are saints giving up if everything in the world is an illusion and that our very humanness itself is to be denied as an illusion?
5.	Every time I say the Our Father I wonder what it means, “Lead us not into temptation.” Would God be that mean to us to tempt us? I’ve never heard an explanation that isn’t just a fancy cover up of what seems to be the obvious yet shouldn’t be.
6.	. . . . While there is obviously Biblical merit to separating from sin and idolatry in the pursuit of God and realizing by faith our identity in Him, it is the draconian and ruthless manner in which I feel driven toward such separatism by what I perceive to be God’s Spirit that unsettles and repulses me. . . .
7.	What’s wrong with sports? Don’t they teach us fair play?
8.	Is it possible to engage in sports without becoming overly competitive? Certain sports foster aggressive activity but others like ping pong seem to be less aggressive. What about playing board games such as “Monopoly” or “Trivial Pursuit” or various card games?
9.	But can some forms of entertainment such as wholesome movies and classical music provide a momentary way to “chill out,” “escape,” or relax? What about watching religious programming such as EWTN? What about news programs? How do you suggest that people stay abreast of what is happening in the world around them?
10.	Does nakedness of spirit mean no pretension or motivation other than God’s will? Does spiritual purgation mean to take out of motivation or understanding all things of self motivation?
11.	. . . what about friends? How do they fit into a devout life?
12.	I’m not certain I could live up to the standards of living you have mentioned. I’m wondering if you have to be born inherently good in order to live that righteously. (That feels like too strong a word, but the only one that comes to mind.)
13.	Aren’t psychologists merely using psychology as their own psychological defense? Psychologists seem so quick to call the inferior behavior of others out, but in reality they are running from their own emotional confusion by an incessant drive to be in control of the minds and emotions of themselves and others. And while Catholic psychotherapists such as yourself preach the virtue of humility and letting go, in reality they are a bit hypocritical because they themselves never really “let go and let God.” Instead they use psychology as a mechanism to hide from the wounds of their unconscious. Maybe psychology is just the “highest” form of such a defense. Have you considered that maybe since humans are of the flesh, it is impossible to escape such psychological defenses?
	Dissent
1.	You’re nuts. Who would ever want to do something this foolish?
2.	Your site has a feeling of being quite JUDGMENTAL. I know you quote a great deal from the Catechism, but I believe that today we ARE a bit more open as our world has changed? I am an Anorexic. I have been for almost thirteen years. I have sought treatment successfully and un-successfully for years. . . . I also have been in a discernment process to enter religious life for six years. . . . I understand what we as catholics teach. I actually lean toward the conservative side, wish for the Latin rite to come back and believe firmly in the habit for all religious. However, I have gay friends, non-catholic friends and friends whom practice all that we perhaps do not believe in. That is not to say I practice them. I suppose my concern is . . . that we are not coming from a place of judgment. Will one be judged if they do not abide and follow ALL that you require?
3.	I certainly respect your views although I must disagree with the belief that gay men and women of good faith are restricted to a celibate way of life in attempting to fulfill their baptismal vows. I realize also that that puts me, and other religious, outside of the teaching of the Magisterium. Even so, I believe that God’s mercy and love will embrace those of us who, in good faith and conscience, may be in error. . . . I [am] concerned with a held belief that homosexual men, simply by virtue of their sexual orientation, would not be appropriate candidates for the priesthood and/or religious life . . .  [even though] their vow or promise of celibacy would be as binding as for any other candidate. That is not in question. Would you be so kind as to respond to that for me?
4.	I have to say that for me and, I believe, for many other [religious], there exists an even greater benchmark than the Magisterium of the Roman Catholic Church. We used to speak of a well-formed conscience and a pure heart shaped by prayer and the love of God. Unfortunately, that has fallen out of favor in recent years. We [specific religious order] have stood at the “edge” since our beginnings while nurturing a great love for the Church.
5.	I feel sorry for your clients unless their [sic] all cloistered monks and nuns, they only would be able to meet your ridged [sic] demands and I doubt they would agree with you. I will pray for your clients. No true saint charged for their [sic] spiritual advise [sic].
6.	I can’t believe what I just read. I am a Catholic and a psychotherapist. I think you need to step into the year 2003 and out of the dark ages. I suggest you broaden your horizon; then maybe you could help today’s society.
7.	How do you live in San Francisco and have such a trite understanding of feminism? Catholicism makes little room for the thinking woman or for that matter the thinking man. The request of equality is a basic one and is not based on making God pay.... Denial and love are not one. Life is about living not abstaining. You are one of the non-adaptive, narrow-minded interpreters of the tradition and history that make Catholicism ritualistic, patriarchal and hierarchical.
8.	. . . [If Jesus] had been free to choose women as apostles, it’s unlikely the “infallible” Church would have been harboring male target pedophiles for centuries—protecting them over children—(What would Jesus have done, do you think?)—and now facing its own stubborn disintegration. . . . Jesus made forgivable mistakes typical to his time and is still Who He Is. The Church has made unforgivable mistakes and will be hard pressed to evolve to survive
9.	Has anyone ever told you you come across like a rigid fundamentalist hell fire and brimstone preacher? Jesus shows compassion for human frailties even to those who don’t deserve it.
10.	I have read your Guide to Psychology and your Chastity websites. A friend told me about them but there seems to be quite a difference in response to questions. Psychology shows empathy and concern while the other seems conditional and almost impatient with the process. Why is there such a difference in response? I think I want to be Catholic but these ideas might scare me away. Were you always Catholic? If not, what were you? I am LDS [Mormon]. Somehow your ideas don’t seem Catholic. Sorry. No disrespect.
11.	I would rather give up on the daily Eucharist, if it means that I can have my soul and my psyche revived in a different church—everyone claims to have “theeee one true doctrine” —someone’s gotta be lying. Will Lutheran/ Methodist/ non-denominational/ Pentecostal pastors go to hell because of their denial of the daily Eucharist? Hmmm. . . I wouldn’t think that Heaven is just for Catholics because of their belief and participation in the Eucharist. Hence, why not leave the Catholic Church?
12.	Lies! Your unscientific blathering makes you just a whore of the archaic and deluded. I’m proud to be homosexual! GAY PRIDE!!!
13.	Why don’t you read the Bible and turn your life over to Jesus? You just parrot Catholic dogma.
14.	All you Catholics do is worship saints and statues. I left the Catholic Church for that reason.
	Faith and Doctrine
1.	All of this sounds like medieval theologians arguing about whether chewing on a blade of grass breaks a fast. What’s the point of nitpicking?
2.	Why wasn’t I taught any of this in Church?
3.	But aren’t all religions the same?
4.	I am having a problem with laziness in Mass attendance and this is frightening me. I start and stop in my prayer life and Mass attendance. . . .
5.	In John 12:32 Jesus says, “And when I am lifted up from the earth, I will draw everyone to myself.” How can one understand these words when so many people die without even having heard about Jesus, and if so many people die within so many non-Christian religious denominations. Could the answer be that Christ will fulfill his promise for all these people in eternity, i.e., when they have already died? If this is so, how can the existence of “the eternal fires of hell” have any sense or fit into Christ’s promise?
6.	Then can anyone be saved outside the Church?
7.	Well, then, are we justified by faith or by works?
8.	It seems to many of my rather wealthy friends, that . . . when a baptized person sins—any sin—that sin is only concupiscence. . . . [and that if] we are called sons and daughters of God as a fact, and not as an honorary title, how can God send his very own children to hell to suffer unspeakable tortures for ever and ever and ever?
9.	What do the mystics say about prophecy? What about Biblical predictions of the “End Times”? I hear so many conflicting things about this that I don’t know what to think..
10.	. . . perhaps what started out as a trip to Medjugorje made out of curiosity, or some more shallow emotion, a desire to see Our Lady perhaps, a need to “feel good” even . . . at least that soul has gone out of its way, to draw closer to Christ somehow. Their soul is hungry for something and they are trying to find food, even if it is cotton candy. It may be a first step, but at least it is a desire for something holy rather than just another trip to the tavern, you know? . .  So, how can I mock anyone who goes to Medjugorje who is inspired to pray with more faith as a result?
11.	. . . I do think it is very possible that the holy water we find in many churches today, does not include the exorcism that was used by better informed priests of former times. The devil is not as real as he once was to many, and so perhaps in consequence the lengthy exorcisms are seen as unnecessary? . . .
12.	Recently, I heard a discussion on the radio about whether or not homemade hosts, with eggs and sugar and so on, were acceptable. There was a priest who said that such hosts made the Mass invalid. Well, what about all the people that day? What happened to them? Did Christ deny them His presence? It doesn’t seem fair.
13.	Please explain the difference between a miracle where God interferes with free will and when God just allows something evil to happen because of choice. I keep thinking about the lady who threw her innocent children into the bay in San Francisco. Please explain this to me.
14.	I read Little Cindy’s Letters per your recommendation on the website, and I was a little disturbed by Rob’s handling of the Marian consecration part. I’m on a Catholic Yahoogroup list for ladies who struggle with food issues and there were others who voiced their concern with that part as well. It almost seemed to imply that Marian consecration was a distraction to following Christ fully and his logic for asserting possible demonic consecration instead was a little bizarre.
15.	I will be having a debate regarding celibacy and our side is not in favor of practicing the vow of celibacy. Can you share with me points and views that I can use to be able to defend our side?
16.	What do you think of Cursillo? My priest wants me to go through it and commit to having group meetings in our parish. He will be one of the spiritual directors. Several people in our diocese have asked me to be involved as well.
	Family Life
1.	I’m a devout Catholic, but my adult children have fallen away from the Church. I pray for them, but is there anything else I should be doing?
2.	I am desiring to seek assistance for my family. Right now it is for my 10 year old son. It is a long story but to come to the present my son is not acting normally. I believe he can be but is showing abnormal behavior I believe because of emotional problems, mainly because of our home environment. I am a devout catholic and am seeking guidance that will come aligned with the will of God. . . . I want to help my son as the rest of my family including myself and I can only do it with God as part of it.
3.	[Recently] my husband started to yell at our son and I tried to stop it. It ended up with his becoming angry yelling and accusing me. He called up his mother and cancelled her coming over to have dinner with us and the kids because he said there was a commotion going on at our home. . . . What I was trying to settle turned out worse. . . . My husband makes it like nothing ever happened and life goes on. I don’t want this occurring anymore. How can I be an instrument here of God’s unconditional love and break this cycle?
4.	My son (age three) has “discovered” masturbation. . . . How do you recommend I handle this situation? Is it OK to forcefully make him stop? Is discipline like time-out called for? I pray for his purity and try not to worry (but I do). Priests or friends say don’t worry because he can’t really sin at this age, but I know he can certainly develop bad habits that could become a pattern of sin later.
5.	I am starting to feel resentment toward the catholic church. . . . Let me explain, I am a good person (or so I like to think) but I do not have alot of money. I try very hard to make sure my children are brought up the right way. We use to go to church every sun or sat night as a family. But then I was told I don’t put enough money in my envalopes . . . . I feel like because I can’t hand out money at every turn I am being told that I am not good enough to be a part of this church . . . . I have talked to people at the rectory and I am not being giving any answers. Do you have any for me?? Am I wrong?? I was raised roman catholic, I want my children to be rasied roman catholic but I guess I just can’t afford to be roman catholic!
6.	I am a lawyer and father of six. I am thus very occupied most of the time. I know being holy is for all the faithful and I strive to incorporate prayer and penance throughout my day, revolving around the Eucharist. My question is: Are the ascetical practices of St. John of the Cross, as you mention on your website, meant for all or only for the few religious who can devote their entire life to them? or for occasional periods in our life (e.g. lent, to overcome addictions, etc.)? Is it dangerous for an ordinary mortal like myself to try to scale this Mount? Is it even possible in a normal “lay” life?
7.	Concerning the lawyer: if you had six kids, what would you do? Are you married? Do you have kids? At least this lawyer is honest about his spiritual life. And he turned to you for humble advice. If holy pride is what your website demands then the Catholic Church is in trouble. Apologize for your lack of empathy and understanding for his calling in life. Another thing. I’ve read the website and I think you have an oppositional personality problem. Maybe you are just misguided and mean well. Either way be careful of what you say to people or how you say it.
8.	Lawyer: most likely the lawyer is training his children well but I give up. So what happens now if parents messed up their children? Is it a life sentence to hell?
9.	I have always forgiven, you have no idea for how many things. What I really need . . . is how to love myself enough to stop the feelings that I keep stuffing down in order to NOT hurt others. . . . It’s myself I keep hurting, because I care so much about keeping the peace. I only (at times) try to tell them how I feel, in the hopes that they will understand.
	Forgiveness and Mercy
1.	Why be so strict? We’re only human, and we all make mistakes. God is love, so God will forgive everything in the end anyway.
2.	Then why do we say Kyrie, eleison—“Lord, have mercy”?
3.	[What about the need] to know yourself and love yourself? Many can’t love themselves so they use the love of God instead. . . . [Also,] I’ve found it harder for people to forgive themselves than others . . . . We have to like and love ourselves before we can know what love is and then start loving others, including God.
4.	I want to know about the concept of reprobation and predestination. Is that something that can be understood?
5.	I go to confession to feel good about myself. Why do you recommend confession to begin the treatment?
6.	I was taught that anger is a bad thing. I’ve had an abusive childhood but it is hard to feel any anger about it because I feel guilty and afraid about offending God or blaming my parents.
7.	You say that forgiveness from God is there waiting for my acceptance. . . . Who’s to say, that as long as I accept God’s forgiveness for my past, that I won’t do something just as horrible tomorrow and ask for forgiveness and then say the same thing? . . . If I don’t suffer the guilt and horror and literal revulsion of what I did, I don’t think God would forgive. Then the question is, “How much is enough?”
8.	My life has been a mess. Debauchery and perversion too bad to put in writing. A couple years ago, in my late-40s, I “saw the light” and converted to the Catholic Church. Your website is a gem. But whenever I try to talk about this to anyone, it’s just like you say: “indifference, ingratitude, and contempt.” What am I supposed to do? I’m running out of patience. . . .
9.	I am confused about Saint Faustina. I am reading her book . . . and I am confused about the Sacred Heart of Jesus. I really thought it was Saint Margaret Mary that Jesus asked to bring the image of His heart to us. But Saint Faustina’s book makes me think He gave it to her. Were they both given the image? Did they live at the same time? I don’t understand.
10.	I read Bishop Knecht’s commentary on the 10 virgins. I understand what he is saying about the story itself. What I am not getting is how it compares with stories of God’s mercy. The five virgins that initially weren’t prepared did go and prepare and knocked on the door. They were refused. How does it all fit into the parable about the sheep being found? Are the five virgins sheep that were found? Maybe I am being dense, but it seems like a contradiction to the other stories I am familiar with. It has me confused and there must be an aspect of all of it that I have missed.
	Guilt and Scruples
1.	I am beginning to realize that I need some professional help . . . . I have lived outwardly as a “normal person” (others even see me as an outgoing, cheerful, fun person) while interiorly hiding terrible guilt feelings and mental anguish. I do not dare tell anyone the truth about me, that I have lived with secret interior misery and despair. . . . This problem is not new—looking back, I can see a pattern of real spiritual scruples and false guilt from the time I was 9 . . . . The problem with scruples got worse and worse and I lived a double life. . . . I finally got fed up with it all and decided to find out once and for all what sin was all about—what the big deal about sex was. For the next 3 years I had a hidden side of me that got addicted to learning about evil (on internet), although exteriorly I was the same as usual. When I turned 30 I realized I had wasted the best years of my life, had never loved or been loved, and I had health problems and depression. . . . . I am struggling to practice my Catholic Faith again. Yet, I am running into the same old scruple patterns.
2.	[Through much of my life] I was convinced (and I still struggle with this issue) that I could not turn to God. After all, isn’t it a teaching of the Church that if one isn’t in the state of grace, then one’s prayers are worthless (except the prayers asking for the grace of repentance)? I could not pray for my family when they were in terrible pain, and that was and is a helpless and horribly guilty feeling. I believed I could not go to confession, I was not God’s friend, so basically I couldn’t ask for anything from Him until I was first able to go to confession. That is a vicious trap: BECAUSE I could not ask God to help me and my family in their sufferings, I felt even more trapped in sin/guilt/regret/self-hatred. I still struggle with this.
3.	. . . what is the Penitential Rite all about when Catholics proclaim: that I have sinned through my own fault . . . in what I have done, and in what I have failed to do. By being passive (not saying “No,” or not defending your own self) in a sexual assault incident, sodomy, or rape—whatever you call it—isn’t that failing to do something on your own stupidity, before the eyes of God, as well as to yourself?
4.	. . . I let the fears that I will be yelled at in confession and/or refused absolution keep me from it. (I have intense panic attacks over the whole confession experience.)
	Hate Mail
	[Miscellaneous hate mail. Pray for these souls lost in hatred and feelings of victimization.]
	Healing
1.	How does one “give the pain to God”? Simply by praying those words? How does one heal? What does “healed” mean—pain doesn’t simply go away. It is the process of healing that I do not understand.
2.	I have been hearing some priests talk about temperment recently. How useful a concept is this in psychology? Can it help me get along better with other people if I know what their temperment is?
3.	Too many bad things have happened to me in my life to trust God. What did I do wrong? The reality is that God has abandoned me. How can I trust a God who never answered my prayers?
4.	The Church is strict about respect for life at any stage. What about the proposed policy by the Bishops to excuse a priest for ruining the life of just one child through sexual abuse? How is that showing respect for life? Isn’t that a contradiction and cop out by the Church?
5.	I am a Presbyterian minister, and found your comments and statements very illuminating in my study of the book of Jonah. When I preach through a book, I always try to ask “why” questions, to get beyond the surface issues to the truth that sometimes hides on a deeper level. Jonah is certainly a book about following God’s direction and leading, but I wanted to know why Jonah made so many suicidal references in this short book. . . .
6.	. . . The question came up, “What, then, is the purpose in suffering, and healing (or lack of it)?” . . . . I believe, especially in Job’s case, the point to which God was driving Job was to recognize the self-righteousness under which he was living and to drive Job to seek a righteousness outside himself—a foreshadowing of justification and redemption in Christ.
7.	I don’t understand the story of Jephthah and his daughter. Why did God stop Abraham from sacrificing Isaac but then allow Jephthah to sacrifice his daughter? It doesn’t seem fair.
8.	I . . . wonder about evil. It would be easy to say the devil made me do it!
9.	Would Jesus the shepherd see the lost sheep as an unworthy sheep for wandering off? If Jesus throught so he might scold the sheep without loving him and caring for his wounds. Maybe then Jesus would give up and leave the sheep there to die lost in his pain. Maybe the sheep needs many lessons of love from Jesus so he will not keep wandering off away from the shepherd. The real love you write about is in loving service to sinners with a gentle heart. Then the lost sheep would be taken back to the flock in the arms of the joyful shepherd before he dies of his wounds. That is what draws me to the Catholic religion.
10.	. . . How about talking directly about Carl Rogers and his effect on the Catholic Church. Leave out the hell, fire and brimstone and give a logical explanation of how the humanistic, person centered theory doesn’t work in the Church. . . . I think your apostolate will reach more people if you appeal to those on the fence who might have been told all of their lives that they are garbage.
11.	I could write a long list of things I need to change. Every sin that I cling to and every temptation that I face knows I am an easy target. I am amazed that I am not an alcoholic or a drug addict. I can’t control myself. The list would be never-ending, I think. There are a lot of reasons for me to hate myself. And I am trying to fix me. I just can’t seem to do it. And I don’t know why. I do know it makes me sad and disappointed (it is a stronger word than that, but I don’t know the word for it) in myself.
12.	. . . I was helping my mother with some shopping, and while I was waiting in front of a store by myself, some guy started yelling at me to move out of the way. He was pulling back in a large black SUV, had a very loud voice, and was very rude and insulting and just not the type of person I am used to dealing with. . . . I begrudgingly moved rather than step out, but also gave him the middle finger, which I admit was stupid but it drove me crazy that he called me an idiot with such malice in his voice (and driving a big SUV too, which fit the personality). . . . That incident threw me into anxiety and grief worse than I ever thought possible. . . .
13.	I have read your information on DID, and what nags at me is whether or not this disorder is ever able to be fully cured. . . . I have spent the past 16 years (when I first became aware I had been abused, tortured, raped etc. and subsequently and finally to be officially sealed with the label MPD, then DID) working on wellness. . . . If a full and complete cure is possible, what happens to the alters? I like to say they go to Altar Heaven to be laid on the altar of God, for His wisdom to manage, but it is a mystery to me and the others as to what happens to those folks. . . .
14.	I am Catholic. I was robbed and raped and I have PTSD and depression and disability from Workers Compensation. My doctor says the depression is chemical. What can I do?
15.	I am from an alcoholic family, had my own problems with alcohol, married an alcoholic. i believe God helped me to no longer desire alcohol. i have been told by counselor that i am codependent and should go to al-anon. have been for awhile but cant seem to stick with it. what do you think of aa and al-anon? i was born and raised catholic and know it is the true church. i have been trying to do Gods will for years and years now. some of the aa and alanon seem catholic, and some of it seems anti-christian. . . .
16.	Especially around the anniversary of 9-11 we keep hearing about good coming out of evil acts. How can that be? How can good ever come from evil, especially, in particular, evil sexual acts when they have changed someone’s life forever?
17.	How do you get well if you don’t even know you are sick?
	Matrimony
1.	What then are the odds that we will find, and recognize, another who is at the same point, or at least of the same will, so that we engage in a healthy relationship? And if we don’t, then what becomes of the yearning to generate and nurture a union that is more than the sum of two individuals?
2.	I am a 34 year old female, married for seven years. We have no children and we have never used birth control. . . . Can it be that some of us are called to things other than parenthood?
3.	What about the marriage then, as a holy union, especially when procreation is not possible?
4.	Do you think that . . . a couple pleases God by making love within marriage when they don’t desire or intend any more children? Or do you agree that a couple which wishes truly to please God should (mutually, of course) put sex aside out of their lives after the birth of the last child, and concentrate their energies on their and their children's salvation?
5.	In Catholic marriage which emphasizes procreation, what about an older couple creating a holy union in marriage that includes a life of love in serving God together in the Church but where sexual pleasure is still an obvious consideration?
6.	Would you say that sex exists primarily for procreation and family not any kind of self-fulfillment? The pleasure aspect of sex being an accidental part of procreation used primarily for ego-building?
7.	. . . All the holiness and life in perfection is worth nothing compared to the gift of having [one’s] own child. Even if the child and the mother both suffer to hell and back. . . . my empty life, filled with religion, is pitiful misery. . . . But I bet, you would disagree with me. If you bring a child into this world, you love God more than if you don’t. Children are the gift from God and are not born to their parents solely, but are given this life to praise God and to partake in this earthly drama, no matter how tragic existence may be. Can you imagine that your mum & dad had such abortive mentality and attitude as you do, and never gave you the chance to live on earth. . . . And you say that you are a bit of a mystic at heart?!
8.	. . . I’ve been a stay at home mom since my first son was born, but I want to go back to school (not immediately, but in the next couple of years) and slowly (one class a semester) work on my Masters so I can eventually become a therapist. But this would most likely mean no more kids. This causes a lot of fear for me that I’m letting God down (the same God I can barely believe exists). I feel like I’m being selfish by wanting to go back to school. I know I get my rigid religious beliefs from my parents, but I’m so confused.
9.	I . . . fear that I’ll go to hell if I don’t follow these rules, fear that if I do follow the rules and refrain from sex my marriage will suffer severly (my husband would not tolerate no sex), fear that if I do keep getting pregnant I’ll be even more overwhelmed than I am now. And I fear how all of this will affect the kids I do have.
10.	I have had a nightmare marriage. My husband has been condescending in non-stop ways. I have been henpecked and could do nothing right. He has disciplined me in front of the children. . . . I feel he is oversexed and does not understand the word “No” in bed. I woke up the other night feeling like I was being raped. He thinks it is my Catholic duty, under pain of mortal sin. He is always telling me I need to do my duty. . . . He is never guilty of wrongdoing. I am always to blame. . . . I just don’t know what to do.
11.	I’m . . . married over 20 years, have [several] great kids and a wonderful wife. Here’s the deal: For the past 27 years I have not been able to stop thinking about my high school girlfriend. . . . When she dropped me at 18, I spiraled into severe depression, anxiety, sexual addiction, and drug and alcohol abuse for some 5 years. When I married, I was an emotional wreck but covered up pretty well. Over the years, I have improved slowly in fits and falls but . . . being rejected by my girlfriend (my world, my love!) and the pathetic aftermath remains for me a trauma that seems to affect or define my every waking moment. I feel like I will take this unnatural “love” for this woman (that I do not even know) to the grave.
12.	Is it adultery when a husband fantasizes about pornography before or during sex? Should the wife have to comply with his wishes? Is she considered a prude for feeling this is immoral? Is she morally responsible for her part in the act?
13.	My husband is living with another woman and is, of course committing adultery. What is the catholic doctrine in regards to me having sex with my husband while he is committing adultery? Is it a sin for me that I am condoning his sin? I am aware there are civil implications but I am more concerned with the religious at this point. I know if and when we divorce, I may never remarry or have sex with another man, but AM I allowed to have sex with my husband?
14.	Why does the 9th Commandment say, “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife?” Why doesn’t it also say, husband or spouse in general?
15.	I recently met a man who says I’m a gift from God to him. But his wife divorced him almost 20 years ago and I’ve been told I can’t marry him in the Catholic Church. It’s not fair. Why would the Church be obsessed with what happened 20 years ago?
16.	I am quite comfortable without marriage. What do I need a husband for? I can still have children with my partner.
	Sexuality
1.	What does “the body is the temple of the Holy Spirit” mean, and how does this impact on your ideas about chastity and human sexuality?
2.	I know many gays and lesbians who are very nice persons. So why should they be rejected by the Catholic Church?
3.	What’s wrong with sex? God created me the way I am, with all my desires. Celibacy is just a medieval attempt by the Church to repress homosexuality.
4.	But sex is natural. How can you deny that?
5.	About a year ago I went to confession and confessed masturbation and looking at pornography and the number of times, also going to communion before confessing these sins. My priest told me that it was not a mortal sin in my case because it was leading me towards love and I should continue to take communion. What do you say about this? That response confused me. Anyway, I have still been troubled with these vices and I am unable to resist the temptations, I still look at porn and masturbate. What am I missing or what is my motivation behind this desire and why won’t I stop?
6.	I am getting overly upset about society’s portrayal of women as sex objects. . . . I would just like to be able to not have an emotional reaction every time Howard Stern comes on, or I find the Maxim magazine my boyfriend hid under the couch. I just want to not care. . . . This is, obviously, having a negative effect on my current relationship. I am interested in self-help. . . . I don’t want the “easy way,” I want the cold hard truth.
7.	I was sexually abused by my father and raped by my uncles. Now I’m a Lesbian, and I know that God loves me.
8.	I was exposed to pornography as a child. . . . I was a frequent masturbator. . . . Between 1996 and 2001, I engaged in a series of regrettable sexual acts. Specifically, I procured and attempted to procure sex on several occasions. . . . On repeated occasions, I have smelled (for an extended period of time) my own feces, flatulence, body odor and urine. . . . I continue to have a habit of pulling at my hair and trying to rub out my hair follicle. I pick my nose during business hours. . . . I am asking you if I pose a danger to society and if so what I steps I should be taking to put an end to that danger. I am also asking for some guidance as to any steps that I should be taking to deal with the above noted pattern of behavior.
9.	. . . what do you think of [changing sexual orientation with psychotherapy]. I suffer from a male identity problem and have homosexual tendencies and have been tormented with this secret condition all my life and want to seek help but don’t know how? . . .
10.	I woke up during the night because I felt an odd sort of external presence around me, an eerie presence, like evil and seductive, that felt like it was smothering me, and I couldn’t move or protect myself because my body felt completely paralyzed. Can you explain what this was all about?
11.	Do you have any thoughts on sexual feelings during prayer?
12.	I know the Church has this thing about not using condoms, but what’s the best way to stop AIDS, psychologically speaking?
13.	How do I undo a vow of celibacy? I made a personal vow not to have sexual relationships but it is too hard to keep. Now I am miserable. What can I do now?
14.	Why do religious and clerics have such a hard time with celibacy?
	Sin
1.	Does not all sin come from woundedness? It seems that each time I self-examine for sin, what I find is tied to my own woundedness. So, is it really to be guilty over or simply to be healed?
2.	But what if we were taught, more often than not, how to be kind to one another through charity? Don’t you think sin would then take a back seat? Reading about sin all of the time is depressing. . . .
3.	It is obvious that we live in very sinful times and are bombarded with encountering people with no knowledge or with antipathy of the teachings of Christ and His Church.  Now, during my social interaction with others, when am I bound, under pain of mortal sin, to admonish sinners, correct them, and tell them that this or that is wrong in the eyes of God? I don’t know if I am just a wimp with no thick skin when I fail to correct them and tell them the truth or not.
4.	Recently I went to Confession and told the priest about the difficulty I’m having in trying to stop smoking. The priest told me to think of it like the thorn in the flesh mentioned by Saint Paul. I like this explanation because it gives me permission to keep smoking. What do you think?
	Social Responsibility
1.	By today’s contemporary ideas in self help psychology such as making personal choices and the victimization of women etc., who is responsible for the fall of “man,” Adam or Eve as it reads in the Bible? How is today’s psychology the same or different from what the Bible says?
2.	In my culture we have the concept of honor, and if someone insults me or my family, I won’t take it.
3.	What about terrorism? Surely we have a legal right to avenge ourselves.
4.	But there are real social problems that need to be fixed. I need to be involved in the fight. How else will anything get accomplished?
5.	Then what about peace on earth? How will there be peace if we don’t work to make it happen?
6.	. . . but the Bible is filled with stories of war. The Israelites defended themselves with God’s approval.
7.	I think, however, that your comments on the futility of protest are wrong and are not in accordance with the teachings of the Catholic Church. You seem to think that the only response Christians can or should make to injustice is to pray. . . . Be wary of being an apologist and defender of evil and injustice by recommending political “quietism.”
8.	I have wondered how you have been doing in San Francisco with the absurdities now taking place with the marriage licenses. We have a similar absurdity here in [my city] in the form of a “Catholic” mayor who announced that gay marriage is OK with him. So far no licenses issued because, most amazingly, the county clerk who says he is also pro-gay-marriage, is also pro-law and state laws still disallow it. Yes, I will write my politicians now. I actually visited your site today just for a moral/morale boost. I’m still trying to grow, so that I TRULY trust that everything is in God’s hands, not my own. I do often avail myself of the prayer of Divine Mercy: Jesus I trust in You.
9.	What are we to do about the elections when every candidate is a liberal? But the Chruch tells us we have to vote, doesn’t it?
	Struggle for Holiness
1.	Thank you for this website. You’ve saved my life, I think. . . . But none of the priests in my Church preaches these things. None of the parishoners lives this way, and none of my family and friends lives this way. What am I supposed to do now?
2.	I discovered your Web site . . . in the way almost all gold mines are discovered — that is, while looking for something else. What I had (perhaps foolishly) hoped to find was hard and fast rules about the competency of a person to give spiritual direction, and that is because I am distressed over the last meeting I had with my own spiritual director. . . . perhaps . . . my director is being controlled by his own flaws.
3.	...How can I find guidance if the odds are so pathetic I’m going to find a priest who truly practices the faith? ...my greater fear is how would I know that I’m not placing my trust in an abuser/rapist? Even if he is not exploitative to me, personally.
4.	I have been struggling with the problem of compulsive masturbation since I was about 13. . . . I see [my current confessor] . . . maybe twice a week (he said to call him anytime I need to) to confess my failing in relation to the issue of impurity and he gives me absolution after a decent chat. . . . In short, I think we are becoming a little too close, and that we may be using confession as a way of making up for a lack of close friendships. I also question the theological integrity of his advice about impurity. . . . Sometimes I want to back out of this “relationship,” but I then think it would affect this priest in a big way if I stopped going to him for confession and spending time with him. I sometimes feel this might be judgmental—after all, the priest is a sinner, just like me. He seems to be a very holy man, but sometimes what he says it out of kilter with what he does. . . .
5.	While I was at college, I had a professor (a Benedictine Monk) tell us that homosexual acts are not condemned by the Bible. . . . Once I heard this from the monk, I allowed my curiosity to go further and was involved with a girl for about 7+ months. . . . It has been over one year since I have had any serious temptations to have lustful thoughts about a girl (or even a guy for that matter), and it has been about 2 years since I have given in to that sort of temptation. I know I am weak, but I trust in His grace and in Our Lady’s intercession for me. Please let me know what you think—could I be a candidate for religious life or not?
6.	I live a spiritual life in my own way. Why go to church? It’s just filled with hypocrites anyway.
7.	. . . when it comes to [speaking in] tongues, I myself have never desired to pray in this way, but I cannot condemn another if God inspires them, and I mean a genuine inspiration. But what is real and what is false? What is the Holy Spirit and what is simply human emotion trying to find satisfaction in the wrong places? . . .
8.	You talk about masochism on the psychology website, but isn’t masochism the same as humilty? If not, what is the difference?
9.	[My abusive mother] . . . was an immaculate housekeeper and I’m not. When I’m at home, I’m either reading or writing, and keeping house and washing dishes just isn’t on my radar screen until it’s absolutely necessary. Maybe that’s a revenge factor on my part that I wasn’t aware of. I just figured it was because reading is a more important activity, for me, anyway. Do you have any comments about this?
10.	In reading Through the Eyes of Jesus I keep encountering the hand holding during prayer, which is the Protestant approach to prayer, at least it has been as long as I can remember, and one that has pained me even as a child. . . . But then even Catholics today pray more and more this way, and when we were in Lourdes I was nudged repeatedly in the ribs when I refused to hold hands during the Our Father. . . . At the Novus Ordo Mass more and more there are people floating our way to hold our hands during the Our Father, and so I isolate myself and the children more and more so we can concentrate on the prayer, rather than on who to hold hands with. . . . I have tried to research this in the past, and see how the Catholic tradition of folding the hands rather than holding the hands began, but I have never been able to discover this.
11.	[I am preparing to enter an RCIA program, and e]veryday is a new test and I feel like I am failing every one of them. I feel like the tests are here to show me that I can’t do this. Even at Church today I felt helpless. The reading [Luke 9:51-62] was talking about the disciples of Jesus and I didn’t understand what was going on. What is He trying to tell me? . . . Why would Jesus not want us to bury our dead? . . .
12.	I continue to question why you stay in California. It seems every day I hear more and more about what distressful things are coming out of that State. When I was in school, and first learning about government, I got the impression that “Liberals” seemed to be people who care about the well being of all other people. Now it just seems to me that “Liberals” are going to great lengths to destroy the sanctity of all that will bring people to greatness—be it on their own or with help. Anyway, I know you must hear enough about the State and City you live in. I just can’t help to question why you stay. You must feel so out of place.
	Miscellaneous
1.	Recently I heard about a case of child abuse in which an infant was killed by the mother’s boyfriend. Someone asked me what will become of the infant’s soul, because the infant had not been baptized. What should I say?
2.	By the way, I’m curious—what do you think of the Potter and Tolkien fantasy books?
3.	What do you think about Medjugorje? A lot of people have gone there, and I was wondering if I should go.
4.	How could God have allowed the Columbia disaster? These were good people, with families, doing good work for science and their countries.
5.	How come the media hasn’t covered sexual abuse in Protestant churches? How is it different from sexual abuse in the Catholic Church?
6.	What if we don’t feel happy all of the time and what if we don’t want to spend money? Should we feel guilty about that, like we are not helping our country? If we all prayed instead of spending money and being happy all of the time, what would happen to the country then?
7.	Over the past few days and years, I have realized number connections with my dreams and certain phrases that come to my mind. I don’t make numbers a religion, of course, but I don’t fully understand why these things happen in my unconscious. Could this be psychic intuition? Why is this happening to me?
8.	Why do you require a dream journal? I don’t dream.
9.	What happens after the treatment? I mean, will I still need therapy?
10.	What are your standard office policies?
11.	What sort of education and training do you have?