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I’m
a devout Catholic, but my adult children have fallen away from the Church.
I pray for them, but is there anything else I should be doing?
 omeone once sent a question like
this to a columnist in one of those diocesan newspapers, and his response
was something like this: “Children have free will, and this sort of
thing happens. It’s not your fault. Just pray for
them.”
Well, an answer like that misses
the mark entirely. Things don’t just “happen.” Everything
we do with our free will has an
unconscious
motivation, and if we are to live genuine Christian lives we have to discipline
ourselves through sacrifice, obedience, and prayer
so that unconscious motivation does not draw
our wills away from God’s will.
So what unconscious motivation
has led your children to “fall away” from the Church?
Well, maybe you see yourself
as a “devout” Catholic because you attend
Mass daily. Maybe you even go out of your way to
attend a traditional Latin Mass. Maybe you pray the Rosary daily, maybe you
go to Confession every week, and maybe you are
always saying other prayers and novenas.
But what do your children
see?
Do they see devotion? If they
did, they would look to your faith and, like Peter looking to Christ (John
6:68), would say, “Where else can we go? This is the real
thing.”
No, your children don’t
see devotion. Instead, they see all the other things you do that
contradict the true faith—and you lose credibility.
Are you
overweight? Do you secretively look with lust
at muffins come midmorning? Does ice cream call for you late at night? Ding!
You lose credibility.
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For many, as I have
often told you and now tell you even in tears, conduct themselves as enemies
of the cross of Christ. Their end is destruction. Their God is their stomach;
their glory is their “shame.” Their minds are occupied
with earthly things.
—Philippians 3:18-19 |
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Are you a
smoker, enslaved to nicotine? Ding! You lose
credibility.
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For freedom Christ
set us free; so stand firm and do not submit again to the yoke of slavery.
—Galatians 5:1 |
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Do you ever shout and cheer for
a sports team? Ding! You lose
credibility.
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But may I never boast
except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has
been crucified to me, and I to the world.
—Galatians 6:14 |
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When you’re driving, do
you swear or grumble at other drivers? Ding! You lose credibility.
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Finally, all of you,
be of one mind, sympathetic, loving toward one another, compassionate, humble.
Do not return evil for evil, or insult for insult; but, on the contrary,
a blessing. . . .
—1 Peter 3:8-9a |
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Do you sulk or complain when
others mistreat you? Ding! You lose credibility.
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Consider it all joy,
my brothers, when you encounter various trials, for you know that the testing
of your faith produces perseverance.
—James 1:3 |
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Do you file complaints, participate
in protests, or start lawsuits? Ding! You lose
credibility.
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When he was insulted,
he returned no insult; when he suffered, he did not threaten; instead, he
handed himself over to the one who judges justly.
—1 Peter 2:23 |
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Do you worry about things to
the point of anxiety or insomnia? Ding! You lose
credibility.
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Do not worry about
tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself.
—Matthew 6:34 |
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Do you gossip about friends or
coworkers? Ding! You lose credibility.
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Do nothing out of
selfishness or out of vainglory; rather, humbly regard others as more important
than yourselves, each looking out not for his own interests, but everyone
for those of others.
—Philippians 2:3-4 |
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Do you raise your voice or argue
with your children? Ding! You lose credibility.
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Do not provoke your
children to anger, but bring them up with the training and instruction of
the Lord.
—Ephesians 6:4 |
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Do you turn your back when beggars
ask for money? Ding! You lose credibility.
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Give to everyone
who asks of you.
—Luke 6:30; Matthew 5:42 |
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Do you come home from work and
say, “What a horrible day! I really need a stiff drink!” Ding!
You lose credibility.
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For as
Christ’s sufferings overflow to us, so through Christ does our
encouragement also overflow.
—2 Corinthians 1:5 |
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When you hear of some person
in the news who has done something despicable, do you say, “Scum like
that should be wiped off the face of the earth!” Ding! You lose
credibility.
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For the judgment
is merciless to one who has not shown mercy.
—James 2:13 |
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To be fashionable, do you dye
your hair, paint your face with make-up, or wear immodest, provocative clothing
that invites others to lust for your body? Ding! You lose
credibility.
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Your body is a temple
of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God, and . . . you are
not your own.
—1 Corinthians 6:19–20 |
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Do you overlook
sins, in the belief that the ends justify the means,
as in saying, “Sure, there’s nudity and sexual content in this
movie, but it has a good message.” Ding! You lose
credibility.
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So I declare and
testify in the Lord that you must no longer live as the
Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds;
darkened in understanding, alienated from the life of God because of their
ignorance, because of their hardness of heart, they have become callous and
have handed themselves over to licentiousness for the practice of every kind
of impurity to excess.
—Ephesians 4:17-19 |
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Do you ever say, “Let’s
skip Mass today. There’s just too much to do
today.” Or do you arrive at Mass late (after the priest begins with
the sign of the cross) or leave early (before the dismissal)? Ding! You lose
credibility.
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Make no mistake:
God is not mocked, for a person will reap only what he sows, because the
one who sows for his flesh will reap corruption from the flesh, but the one
who sows for the spirit will reap eternal life from the spirit.
—Galatians 6:7-8 |
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Do you ever skip the
blessing before eating because you’re
in a hurry or because people might look at you? Ding! You lose
credibility.
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. . . for although
they knew God they did not accord him glory as God or give him thanks. Instead,
they became vain in their reasoning, and their senseless minds were
darkened.
—Romans 1:21 |
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Now, this list could go on and
on. And it does. And it’s not pretty. Many persons who call themselves
“devout” are, even as you read this, tripping over several of these
things. And if they aren’t doing it now, they did it in the past, when
their children were younger.
That’s why the children
don’t see devotion now and never saw it when they were younger. They
see hypocrisy and, to their eyes, empty,
superstitious rituals. And though they might
claim to be angry with the Church, they are unconsciously
angry with their parents for living a fraud instead
of a true Christian lifestyle in the fullness of the Catholic
Church.
Therefore,
the children’s unconscious motivation is to show the world, through
their own wretched behavior, that their parents are hypocrites.
So what can you do, now that
you have lost your children’s faith?
First, admit your mistakes, honestly
and openly. Tell your children that you were wrong. Tell Christ that you
were wrong. And repent.
Then begin to live the
Faith as it is supposed
to be lived. Live the love that Christ taught and
that the Catholic mystics have experienced through the ages. Live a chaste
life of sacrifice, obedience, and prayer—from
your heart, not intellectually—every moment of every day. It’s
relentless hard work—a true spiritual
battle—but when your faith becomes your life, then maybe
your children will take you seriously. And then maybe they will see that
their anger can be
healed, and then, maybe, they will want the Good
Shepherd to find them.
  
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