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[My abusive
mother left her house] to me when she died and it’s legally mine,
but it will, in reality, always be my mother’s house. My neighbors,
sweet as they may be, constantly remind me how I’m not doing things
like my mother did and maybe I’m doing that on purpose. I don’t
know. It’s not the house I grew up in, however, so there are no childhood
or even unpleasant memories associated with this house, other than she died
here. . . . She was an immaculate housekeeper and I’m not. When I’m
at home, I’m either reading or writing, and keeping house and washing
dishes just isn’t on my radar screen until it’s absolutely necessary.
Maybe that’s a revenge factor on my part that I wasn’t aware of.
I just figured it was because reading is a more important activity, for me,
anyway. Do you have any comments about this?
 he issue about neatness and cleanliness
is really a profound issue of love. When you care
about a possession, you consequently want to keep it in good
condition.
It’s the same for creation
itself. When we really, really understand that God created this world, we
are moved to take good care of it. Environmental abuse—even the act
of spitting on the ground or throwing a
cigarette butt on the sidewalk—shows us
up as hypocrites if we claim with our lips to love God.
And it’s the same for the
body. Anyone who really understands how the body is the
temple of the Holy Spirit would want to keep the
body well-groomed, modestly dressed, free from
addictions, properly nourished, and physically
fit.
Think of chaos and filth, therefore,
as aspects of the demonic, whereas cleanliness and
order are aspects of the holy. If you respect your environment as an aspect
of a holy life, you will be pained to see dirt and disorder
anywhere.
Although your mother was a meticulous
housekeeper, she probably did her chores out of
duty, rather than pure love; that is, she
certainly wasn’t holy, or she wouldn’t have abused you. You know
she was a hypocrite, and that angers you. You want
to throw her cleanliness back in her face so that you can get the satisfaction
of showing her what a fraud she was.
But—and here is the
problem—some part of you resists openly
acknowledging those impulses of anger, so you experience a conflict of wanting
to care for your mother and fix her versus wanting to hurt her. Moreover,
this conflict pains you with guilt, so you end
up punishing yourself for your impulses to anger.
Therefore, the disorder in your
house is an unconscious manifestation of self-loathing that masks your anger
at your mother. Your allowing dirt to accumulate in your (her) house is your
expression of
anger. The
dirt symbolizes your hatred both for her and for
yourself. Furthermore, distracting yourself by reading and writing is just
an intellectual way of ignoring the hatred that is always right under your
nose.
All in all, your allowing this
disorder amounts to an unconscious attempt to punish God because of the hurt
your mother caused you. Nothing will ever be resolved this way. Revenge does
not heal anything—it only adds to the dirt. Revenge is just another
stroke of the whip on Christ’s back, more spittle on His face, another
kick in His stomach. Allow yourself, therefore, to see the dirt—the
dirt of your hatred—and then, through prayer, fasting, and
forgiveness—and, ultimately,
love—clean up the mess.
No
advertising—no sponsor—just the simple truth . . .
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