Psychological Healing
in the Roman Catholic Mystic Tradition

Questions and Answers

How do I undo a vow of celibacy? I made a personal vow not to have sexual relationships but it is too hard to keep. Now I am miserable. What can I do now?

 
f you want to understand what a vow is all about, read the beginning of the story of Isaac and Rebekah:

	Abraham had now reached a ripe old age, and the LORD had blessed him in every way. Abraham said to the senior servant of his household, who had charge of all his possessions: “Put your hand under my thigh, and I will make you swear by the LORD, the God of heaven and the God of earth, that you will not procure a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites among whom I live, but that you will go to my own land and to my kindred to get a wife for my son Isaac.” The servant asked him: “What if the woman is unwilling to follow me to this land? Should I then take your son back to the land from which you migrated?” “Never take my son back there for any reason,” Abraham told him. “. . . If the woman is unwilling to follow you, you will be released from this oath. . . .” So the servant put his hand under the thigh of his master Abraham and swore to him in this undertaking.
	—Genesis 24:1-9

Although nobody knows what put your hand under my thigh actually meant to Abraham and his servant, scholars speculate that it may have implied that the servant would bring a curse—perhaps of sterility—on himself if he failed to fulfill his promise. And in this we see the whole point of making a vow.

•	First, the vow serves to support an external mission; in this case, it’s to procure a wife for Isaac.
•	Secondly, the person making the vow understands that something bad—something very, very bad—will happen if the vow is not fulfilled and the mission fails.
•	Finally, we see that the vow can be cancelled legitimately if for some external reason the mission is thwarted; in this case, the refusal of the woman to follow the servant back to the land of Isaac would release the servant from his vow.

Considering these three points, it should be clear that a personal vow of which you speak is really not a vow at all, for two reasons.

FIRST of all, you’re confusing celibacy with chastity.

Celibacy refers to being unmarried.   Chastity refers to abstinence from all sexual activity outside legitimate marriage between a man and a woman and a commitment to the holiness of sexuality within marriage.

Therefore, a personal vow of celibacy would not serve any external mission; you can live a Christian life whether you’re married or unmarried, and if you want to remain unmarried you do not need to make any vows—you just don’t get married. 

SECONDLY, a “personal vow not to have sexual relationships” is redundant, because it is preempted by other vows you have already made, vows that serve a very serious mission: your baptismal vows to renounce Satan, to turn away from evil and sin, and to turn to Christ in chaste and holy service.

Read an excerpt from a writing about baptism by Saint Basil, bishop

Through the indelible spiritual mark of baptism you became incorporated into the Church, the Body of Christ, against which “the gates of the netherworld shall not prevail” (Matthew 16:18). Thus, at baptism, you were bound to the mission of attaining everlasting life, and you received Christ’s personal promise that nothing external would ever thwart that mission. 

Now, should you so chose, you could fulfill this mission through the additional vows of marriage.^[1] But, if you don’t choose marriage, you have no other option besides celibacy (Matthew 19:12-14). And celibacy must be lived in chastity because at the moment of your baptism you were pledged to live your life in chastity (Catechism of the Catholic Church § 2348).

You could, of course, take religious vows to fulfill your Christian mission within a religious order in celibacy, but ultimately these are solemn vows, not a personal vow.

So, outside of legitimate marriage between a man and a woman, there can be no sexual relationships. And if you “undo” your baptismal vows and fail in your mission, well, then, just be warned: no sexual relationship will protect you when, with your last breath, the gates of hell open and legions of demons come marching out to carry you away to something very, very bad.

I don’t say this to make you feel guilty, because the true Catholic Faith has nothing to do with guilt. I say these things because they are true, and the true Catholic Faith is all about truth. I am the way, and the truth, and the life. Baptism is about life, and the only way to preserve that life is to remain faithful to your baptismal vows.

	Christian, remember your dignity, and now that you share in God’s own nature, do not return by sin to your former base condition. Bear in mind who is your head and of whose body you are a member. Do not forget that you have been rescued from the power of darkness and brought into the light of God’s kingdom.      Through the sacrament of baptism you have become a temple of the Holy Spirit. Do not drive away so great a guest by evil conduct and become again a slave to the devil, for your liberty was bought by the blood of Christ.
	—From a sermon by Saint Leo the Great, pope Office of Readings, December 25

 
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What the Catechism of the Catholic Church says:

 
The various forms of chastity

2348 All the baptized are called to chastity. The Christian has “put on Christ,” the model for all chastity. All Christ’s faithful are called to lead a chaste life in keeping with their particular states of life. At the moment of his Baptism, the Christian is pledged to lead his affective life in chastity.
 
2349 “People should cultivate [chastity] in the way that is suited to their state of life. Some profess virginity or consecrated celibacy which enables them to give themselves to God alone with an undivided heart in a remarkable manner. Others live in the way prescribed for all by the moral law, whether they are married or single.” Married people are called to live conjugal chastity; others practice chastity in continence. . . .

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1. I received this comment from a reader about his premature vow of celibacy: “I was in the exact same situation over thirty years ago, so I went to my pastor who consulted our bishop. He absolved me of the vow. And at the same time my pastor justly reprimanded me for making such a huge commitment without consulting the Church in the first place. Being absolved from the vow by someone who has the power to do so as representative of the Lord was very freeing. I did not undertake that vow lightly, but it was beyond me. Have been married now for 28 yrs with two wonderful grown children now.”

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