Psychological Healing
in the Roman Catholic Mystic Tradition

Questions and Answers

About a year ago I went to confession and confessed masturbation and looking at pornography and the number of times, also going to communion before confessing these sins. My priest told me that it was not a mortal sin in my case because it was leading me towards love and I should continue to take communion. What do you say about this? That response confused me. Anyway, I have still been troubled with these vices and I am unable to resist the temptations, I still look at porn and masturbate. What am I missing or what is my motivation behind this desire and why won’t I stop?

Outline of the Answer
• Demons and Wolves
• The Theological Issues
• The Psychological Issues
• The Actual Failure
• The Urge to Masturbate
• The Healing Process

 
You’ve heard it said, “With friends like him (or her) I don’t need enemies.” Well, with priests like the one you encountered, you don’t need demons to seek the ruin of your soul. Christ told Peter to “feed my sheep” (John 21:15-19), and priests like this have been feeding His sheep all right—they’ve been feeding His sheep to the wolves! 

 
The Theological Issues

That priest is wrong theologically (a) because Christ Himself told us that lust—even lust in the heart—is a mortal sin [1] (Matthew 5:28), (b) because the Tradition of the Catholic Church has preserved Christ’s teaching through the ages, and (c) because the Catechism of the Catholic Church (§ 2351-2354) continues to endorse that teaching.

 
The Psychological Issues

Moreover, that priest is wrong psychologically because he doesn’t understand what love really is.

Autistic self-stimulation (i.e., masturbation) is not a matter of love, it’s a defilement of love. True love seeks nothing for itself; rather, true love is an act of self-sacrifice for the sake of the salvation of other souls. Masturbation seeks everything for itself; it’s a subtle form of revenge for not having received your parents’ love—especially your father’s love.

As a child, you felt lonely and neglected, and you had to take matters into your own hands to teach and protect yourself. You essentially had to raise yourself as a child without your parents’ guidance. So now, as an adult, when you feel lonely and neglected, what do you do? You take matters into your own hands and raise yourself—literally.

Pornography derives from the urge to defile an “other.” On the surface, it may seem that pornography is simply about erotic pleasure. But when the human body is made into a biological toy, it is stripped of all human dignity, and this defilement is an act of aggression. The hostility may be unconscious or it may be openly violent, but, either way, it has its basis in resentment. And to whom is the resentment directed? Well, as in all things psychological, the resentment goes back to the parents. Deep down, under all the apparent excitement, and despite the attraction to what is seen, lurks the dark urge to hurt and insult—to “get back at”—what is behind the scenes: a mother who devoured, rejected, or abandoned, rather than nurtured, or a father who failed to teach, guide, and protect.

 
The Actual Failure

Finally, that priest is wrong in actuality because his advice has not only done nothing to help you, it has also confused you.

So why do you masturbate?

 
The Urge to Masturbate

The urge to masturbate begins because you have been feeling helpless or deprived in some way. It grows in you because of (a) unconscious anger at your parents for not nurturing you with true love and (b) unconscious anger at yourself for feeling so incompetent because of a lack of true love. Now, these feelings of helplessness and deprivation will vary in detail from person to person and from situation to situation, but the point is that instead of turning to God in the midst of your emotional pain, you give in to the urge to take matters into your own hands to relieve yourself of your own despair. Literally.

Where’s the love in this? This sort of behavior doesn’t lead you to love, it drags you down right into the sado-masochistic hedonism of hell.

 
The Healing Process

To be healed of this slavery, first learn to recognize those feelings of helplessness and deprivation as soon as they occur. Notice how they manifest in your particular circumstances. Are they a matter of your being overwhelmed with obligations, without proper guidance and assistance, so that you feel weary and lonely? Are they a matter of your being obstructed and hindered by others, so that you feel insulted and neglected? Are they a matter of your own inner confusion and lack of confidence, so that you feel frustrated and stuck? Or are they a matter of something else?

Then put the feelings into language; that is, consciously explain to yourself how these feelings connect to similar feelings from your childhood. Remember the actual childhood events that precipitated the feelings and describe them in detail.

Then gather up all this scrutiny and bring it in prayer before Christ. Ask for the strength and courage to persevere through these painful feelings into confident trust in divine protection. Seek out the humility of confidence, not the satisfaction of competing with others to make yourself feel stronger. Admit your wretchedness and beg for the grace to love, and to pray for, everyone—even your enemies—despite the mistreatment you received from your parents as a child and continue to receive, even now, from others. And beg that the desire for holy love will grow in you and overshadow every other desire.

Do this and you will not only understand love, you will be living it.

Lust. Competition. Vengeance. Three sins, any one of which will stop a man dead in his tracks on the way of perfection.

 
___________

1. Transient erotic images that arise spontaneously in your mind, however, are not necessarily mortal sins unless you dwell upon them for pleasure. All fleeting fantasies are intellectual products, not acts of will; that is, they are products of unconscious defensive psychology. Though careful scrutiny (as I describe in the rest of my answer) you can use the occurrence of such fantasies to help you understand your current emotional difficulties.

 


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