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Those
who do not have a sound palate, but seek other tastes, cannot taste the spirit
and life of God’s words; His words, rather, are distasteful to
them. |
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—St. John of the Cross
The Living Flame of Love, 1. 5 |
Goodness |
The Call Away from Sin |
Love is of the Spirit |
Eroticism |
The Allure of Common “Love” |
Erotic Arousal in Romance |
Pornography |
The Emptiness of Common “Love” |
Holy Matrimony: True Love in Real Marriage |
The Call to be Holy |
Freedom, not Repression
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I
ASKED the LORD, “O LORD,
why is it that we are so troubled with genital arousal and erotic desires?
Why does our sexuality have to be this difficult?”
He replied, “No one enters My Kingdom who has not resolutely
chosen the Spirit over the Flesh. Let your genitals be a constant reminder
of this, in every moment, with every breath you take.” |
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 OD’S CREATION is
good.
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For You love
all things that are
and loathe nothing that You have made;
for what You hated, You would not have fashioned.
And how could a thing remain, unless You willed it;
or be preserved, had it not been called forth by You?
But You spare all things, because they are Yours,
O LORD and lover of souls
for Your imperishable spirit is in all things! |
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—Wisdom 11:24-12:1 |
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Yet listen to what follows from
this:
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Therefore You
rebuke offenders little by little, warn
them, and remind them of the sins they are committing,
that they may abandon their wickedness and believe in
You, O LORD! |
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—Wisdom 12:2 |
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The Call Away
from Sin
God’s creation is good.
God loves His creation. God created us to be good—to be capable of sharing
in divine love. Knowing we have fallen into
sin and disobedience,
He still loves us. But does this mean that “anything goes” and
that “everyone will go to heaven”? Well, no. God loves us by
calling us out of our sins—the very offenses that separate souls
from God in this life (and that separate souls from God eternally in
hell) if they are not
repented. When the Jews talked about God “wiping
away sins,” they referred to God’s willingness to allow us to be
reconciled to Him if we repented our sins. God’s willingness for
reconciliation with us was later sealed with blood—Christ’s
blood—as a contract, the New Covenant of Christianity.
Love is of the
Spirit
Now, you could use comparative
anthropology to document all the varieties of human sexuality throughout
history, the pagan delight in eros (erotic passion), the different
cultural origins of polygamy and monogamy, and even the primitive origins
of matrimony in the Hieros Gamos between gods and women. But none
of it means anything, really, because Christ instituted a new reality for
us, a reality based not on the flesh but on the
spirit,[1]
a reality based not on finding personal satisfaction in a romantic desire
for another person but on serving others through holy
love.
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My love so delights
the soul that it destroys every other joy which can be expressed by man here
below. The taste of Me extinguishes every other taste; My light blinds all
who behold it . . . |
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—as told to Saint Catherine
of Genoa
Spiritual Doctrine, Part III, Chapter VII |
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And the theological proof of
this mystical understanding is obvious: look as hard as you can, but you
will never find a single reference in the New Testament to “romantic
relationships.” Sexuality has a temporal value in regard to the sacrament
of Holy Matrimony for the sake of raising a family
in holy service to God, but it has no enduring place in the Kingdom of
Heaven.
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At the resurrection
they neither marry nor are given in marriage but are like the angels in
heaven. |
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—Matthew 22:30 |
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 True love, as Saint Thomas
Aquinas explained, is “to wish the good of
someone.” [2]
Real love is not self-indulgence. Real love does not plead
with desperate, hollow eyes for recognition from an other. Real love is an
act of will. Real love is, as Christ showed us through His personal example,
total sacrifice of self for the sake of the
salvation of others. True love never turns to
hate. True love never becomes a cult. True love never ends.
Eroticism
Eroticism has its basis in human
survival. Our sexual organs have a natural, erotic potential so that primitive
men and women would be inclined to copulate and reproduce. But this natural
tendency is the result of Original sin, not of
God’s original plan for humanity. So, as humanity matured, God gave
us His commandments to protect us from the raw
desires that make the body into a fetish, desires
that cause us to see our reproductive organs as nothing more than the means
to enjoy a raw pleasure severed from moral responsibility to the divine.
Consequently, without God’s guidance, we are led by our desires far
astray from the holy purpose God intends for us.
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If you obey the
commandments of the LORD, your God, which I enjoin on you today, loving him,
and walking in his ways, and keeping his commandments, statutes and decrees,
you will live and grow numerous, and the LORD, your God, will bless you in
the land you are entering to occupy. If, however, you turn away your hearts
and will not listen, but are led astray and adore and serve other gods, I
tell you now that you will certainly perish. |
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—Deuteronomy 30:15-18a |
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And so, despite its glamorous
portrayal in popular entertainment, eroticism
is not
love. Eroticism is not an expression of a man and
a woman bonding into a family by their mutual love for God. Eroticism strips
sexuality of its divinely intended function—reproduction—and reduces
it to an exchange of using and being used. Eroticism is a form of
idolatry—a body adoring a body, an expression of the lowest levels of
desire—the allure of which resides in
immediate, tangible gratification.
Moreover, as the blatantly dark
Satanic side of eroticism shows us, this gratification has at its core a
rejection of the Holy and a desire for the domination and defilement of others.
Consider the most common curse in contemporary society: “F*** you!”
Does that give you a clue? Consider also that Satanic rituals are conducted
in the nude. Does that give you another clue? Social nudity is not an experience
of a “natural” truth of the body; it is not “honest,”
and it does not mean that “nothing is hidden.” Instead, it uses
the lure of bodily gratification to draw attention away from the truth of
the soul and to defile the soul’s opportunity to grow pure in chaste
love.
The Allure of
Common “Love”
Now, all human cultures have,
in one way or another, seduced us into believing that
Satanic perversion (“Do what thou wilt”)
is not Satanic at all, but that it is just an innocent matter of human
freedom.
Thus, for men, the allure of
common “love”—or romantic love—becomes the aggressive
thrill of conquering and then just reaching out and taking what you want,
mixed with a component of an infantile yearning to being seen, admired, and
touched. For some women it becomes the aggressive thrill of power through
seduction, and for other women it becomes the physical excitement of desire
and touch, mixed with the satisfaction of feeling cherished and
protected.
But consider this more deeply.
What does all of this mean, psychologically? Taking what you want—making
yourself seen—having power—feeling desired—feeling protected?
Isn’t this all a compensation for feelings of inferiority, weakness,
and vulnerability? It’s all an immediate way of getting something
to overcome the emotional hurt of childhood insecurity. Romance, therefore,
is a game, a way to even the score with
the emotional pains of childhood.
True love, in contrast, is not
a game—it’s reality raised to the level
of the divine.
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True love is
far more difficult than common “love” because true love is
given, not received—and certainly not made—and it
must be given with no expectation or hope of getting anything in
return. |
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Erotic Arousal
in Romance
Even the
desire to erotically arouse another person in
the context of romance is not an act of giving. The deep psychological truth
is that such a desire masks a more hidden desire: to gain some
control over our own helplessness. That is,
because we as children felt the helplessness and resentment of having our
bodies controlled by our parents, as adults we unconsciously compensate for
this helplessness by seeking out ways to control others. We can do this with
wealth, we can do this with politics, we can do
this with education, we can do this with
social status, we can do this with
physical strength, and we can do this with eroticism.
Sad to say, therefore, the thrill of arousing lust in another person is really
an act of self-serving power over that person.
Pornography
Pornography, in its own subtle
way, derives from the urge to “use” someone for your pleasure because,
as a child, you were “used” by others. On the surface, it may seem
that pornography is simply about erotic pleasure. But when the human body
is made into a biological toy, it is stripped of all human dignity, and this
defilement is an act of aggression. The hostility may be unconscious or it
may be openly violent, but, either way, it has its basis in
resentment.
So, to whom is the resentment
directed? Well, as in all things psychological, the resentment goes back
to the parents. Deep down, under all the apparent excitement, and despite
the attraction to what is seen, lurks the dark urge to
hurt and insult—to get revenge for—what
is behind the scenes: a mother who devoured, rejected, or abandoned,
rather than nurtured, or a father who failed to teach, guide, and protect.
Thus, when you feel resentment for feeling deprived—deprived of recognition,
guidance, acceptance, resources, or time—you are drawn to pornography,
and even though it may feel exciting, you are really defiling
someone.
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Have you ever
wondered why you are drawn to pornography even though you know it is evil
and can tell yourself that it is wrong? Well, it’s the revenge you
crave—the subtle revenge of using others as you have been used. So long
as your emotional pain and resentment stay hidden from your conscious awareness,
you will be drawn to pornography through an unconscious and irresistible
attraction. |
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The Emptiness
of Common “Love”
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O Lord, my boyfriend
asked me to have sex, but I told him that sex is for marriage and
family. |
The Christian sacrament of Holy
Matrimony protects the holiness of a living sexual activity (i.e.,
sexual activity that is open to procreation) within a marriage blessed by
the Catholic Church, but all other sexual activity is just a dead, bartered
transaction, an empty game, a form of
narcissism which rejects the true love in which
God created us. This narcissism consequently defiles the soul’s mystical
union with God.
In this adulterous betrayal of
God, common “love” does nothing except make your “partner”
into an object of your own pleasure so as to
seduce the despair of your own
emptiness. Yet the price for using common
“love” as a temporary escape from emptiness is everlasting emptiness
itself: eternal separation from God.
The psychological proof of the
emptiness of common “love” can be found in all botched
“relationships”: what starts out sweet turns sour—that is,
once your needs are not met, this common “love” suddenly switches
into hatred and spite. But true love, as I said
above, never turns to hate and never ends.
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It’s simply
impossible to fill our own bodily emptiness with
an external presence. We can’t alleviate our emptiness with
food, or
cigarettes, or erotic
fantasies, or sports,
or entertainment, or anything else generated
by our culture. Our
lack can be filled only with the Body
and Blood of Christ.
The Body of Christ
is faith, by which we see the invisible Father in
the visible appearance of bread. And the Blood of Christ is
love, for there is no greater love than to shed
your blood to save someone from destruction. |
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Holy Matrimony:
True Love in Real Marriage
Now, if you want a good image
of Holy Matrimony, take a piece of string about a foot long and tie two small
weights to the string, one weight on each end of the string. Then stretch
the string out on a table. What happens? Nothing. All right. So now grasp
the string in the middle and lift it straight up off the table—and,
as the weights are lifted by the string, they will swing
together.
In a similar way, a marriage
blessed by the Catholic Church is not made by a man and a woman drawing
themselves together by their own efforts. Holy Matrimony is made when a man
and a woman, through their mutual love for God, welcome Christ into their
lives to lift them up into divine love and service. Holy Matrimony, therefore,
never ends because it does not begin in the individuals—it
begins in the eternally enduring covenant of love between God and
humanity.[3]
The Call to Be
Holy
And, believe it or not, that
eternally enduring covenant of love is what the call to Christianity
is all about, whether in Holy Matrimony or in celibacy. As Christ emptied
Himself in order to become human—to bring
forgiveness and to show us love—so we must
empty ourselves of all that is not love in order to be drawn up into divine
love, to become holy, and to lead others to holiness. Be holy, for I am
holy (Leviticus 11:45, 19:2, 20:7; 1 Peter 1:16; cf. Matthew
5:48).
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Do you think
that God’s commands are some arbitrary set of rules created by dictatorial
whim? The commands flow from love, to protect us from
defiling love.
When Saint Paul
warned us that by works of the law no one will be justified he meant
simply that justification—that is,
redemption—is not a
magical process. A mere legal or ritual act,
performed simply as an act, has no meaning. Justification is about love on
God’s part for our sake, and our response to that love has to come from
the heart. Even the celebration of the
Eucharist is not a mere act—it’s
a liturgical act, the work of the people. And it is hard
work.
 The proof is in Christ Himself.
“Love one another as I have loved you,” He said. Did He cheat us,
lie to us, kill unborn children, or desire the death of His enemies? Did
He use us for His sexual pleasure or to find “self-fulfillment”?
No. Instead He suffered for us, as an act of
mercy. In His Passion He showed us what
love is—and what it has always been: a call
away from sin into holiness. And then He called us
to live a life of love, within Him, free from our own
identities. Thus Paul says, I have been
crucified with Christ, and the life I live now is not my
own. |
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Freedom, not
Repression
The mystics learned this lesson
of the call to be holy, and they learned something else, too. They learned
from personal experience that, just as the Apostles preached, you only come
to understand the truth of these things by submitting to them. It’s
freedom, not repression.
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Those who do
not have a sound palate, but seek other tastes, cannot taste the spirit and
life of God’s words; His words, rather, are distasteful to
them. |
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—St. John of the Cross
The Living Flame of Love, 1. 5 |
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So if you aren’t willing
to give up everything—including any sexual
“identity”—you are holding back
something from your service to God. You’re trying to serve two masters,
as it were, and thus you cut yourself off from receiving all the
graces God has to offer for the sake of your
salvation. Sadly, if you withhold
anything—whether it be eroticism, or wealth, or power, or intellectual
presumption, or even the pride of wanting revenge
on those who hurt you—from the work of your spiritual
purification, there will always be in your heart
some dark selfishness which resists true love and
holds you in slavery to
disobedience.
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Esau sold his
birthright for a serving of stew (Genesis 25: 29–34), and many Christians
today are just as willing to sell their birthright—their
baptismal birthright—for an
orgasm. |
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That’s why a culture
of sex—in which reproductive sexuality has been stripped of its
life—dooms itself to being a culture of
death.
1. That is, the body does not have meaning in
itself; the body has meaning in its being the temple
of the Holy Spirit.
2. St. Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologica.
I-II, 26, 4.
3. See, for example, Isaiah (54:4-8; 62:1-12),
Jeremiah (32:36-41), Ezekiel (16:1-63), Hosea (2:4-25), and the Song of Songs.
The writers of these works all use motifs of the pagan eros, easily
understood by the secular cultures to whom they wrote, to explain God’s
love for Israel.
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