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I get
sexual feelings when I pray to the point of semi-arousal of my genitals.
No sexual fantasies except a great affection for our Lord. I read the book
The Fire Within, by Thomas Dubay, S.M. and understand to experience
sexual stirrings within a completely pure delight in God should be neither
a surprise nor a source of worry. Do you have any thoughts on sexual feelings
during prayer?
 ny kind of distraction during prayer,
whether sexual or not, is a common problem. Thomas à Kempis was agonized
by his wandering thoughts during prayer (The Imitation
of Christ, Book 3, ch. 48). Saint Teresa of Avila described similar
problems as well; she concluded that the problem derives from
Original Sin.
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 And so it isn’t
good for us to be disturbed by our [unwanted] thoughts, nor should
we be concerned. If the devil causes them, they will cease with this suspension.
If they come, as they do, from one of the many miseries inherited through
the sin of Adam, let us be patient and endure them for the love of God since
we are likewise subject to eating and sleeping without being able to avoid
it, which is quite a trial. |
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—The Interior
Castle
IV:4.11 |
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Understanding,
not Ignoring
Catholic mystics
who have commented on the problem show us, therefore, that in the days before
the psychology of the
unconscious the common spiritual solution to unwanted
thoughts and feelings was simply to ignore such disturbances. And Father
Dubay, in his excellent book, offers similar
advice.[1]
But Fr. Dubay is not a psychologist, and psychology,
when carefully applied in a Catholic context, can allow us to do more than
just tolerate such distractions. That is, instead of ignoring your distractions
you can actually understand them and derive benefit from
them.
Two simple steps can help you
here:
1. |
First recognize the
situation in which the distracting fantasies arise. For example, are you
praying while still feeling the effects of a critical comment from someone?
Are you praying for someone who has some emotional connection to you? Or
are you praying one of the mysteries of the Rosary? |
2. |
Then ask yourself
what the fantasy could be telling you about your weakness in that particular
situation. |
The Definition
of Fantasies
Now, as used in the context of
the psychology of the unconscious, fantasies do not necessarily mean
daydreams, or something with a miniature story line, or a well-developed
plot. A fantasy can be just a snippet of a mental image that evokes a certain
emotional reaction or thought process.
So, if you experience a feeling
that seems to pop up out of nowhere, with a little psychological
curiosity [2]
you can usually identify a connected mental image or thought. And, with that
connection made, you can then begin to understand the psychological reason
for the feeling.
Sexual
Fantasies
Sexual fantasies often arise
when we are feeling weary, or unrecognized, or empty, or alone. The mental
image of free access to another person’s body
gives the illusory sense of an intoxicating existential merger with an
“other” to hide the unwanted reality
of your own brokenness, so that you can experience
the ecstasy of transcending the
“unknown” or of “feeling seen”
(common male fantasies) or of “being filled” (a common female fantasy).
Homosexual fantasies can reverse these roles: a man can
desire to be filled with the strength of a
father (who in reality was weak, or absent, or cruel);
a woman can desire to be seen by a mother (who in reality was cruel or neglectful
or smothering). The combinations can be almost
infinite, and they all point to a certain lack of unconditional childhood
recognition, guidance, or acceptance that resonates with a current lack of
recognition, guidance, or acceptance.
Sexual fantasies can also derive
from memories of past sexual activity that now carry feelings of guilt or
regret—or even anger.
Fantasies of
Grandiosity
Fantasies of mild grandiosity
(e.g., being a hero, or having notable strength or poise to get the upper
hand in a social situation) are common in normal psychology; these fantasies
can serve as compensation for experiences of helplessness,
hurt, or insult.
Note, however, that as emotional
wounds increase in intensity or duration, fantasies of grandiosity can become
increasingly disordered, resulting in a personality
disorder (e.g., Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or in a preoccupation
with the occult (as a way to feel powerful
because of what you know).
Evil
Fantasies
“Evil”
fantasies (e.g., rape or killing) can result from
unconscious wishes for revenge to compensate for
some sort of perceived injury.
Self-destructive
Fantasies
Self-destructive fantasies
can result from perceiving the behaviors (or the actual words) of a rejecting
mother and then internalizing the mother’s feelings as your own
beliefs.
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For example,
consider a woman, newly married to a man who turns out to be irresponsible,
and now despairingly pregnant with a child she doesn’t want. Right in
the womb that developing fetus will be “infected” psychologically
with the belief that “It would be better if you were
dead.”
Or maybe a woman
is too emotionally immature to attend to an infant’s needs. As that
infant struggles with the dark terror of its neglect, it will be
“infected” psychologically with the belief that “It would
be better if you were dead.”
Or maybe the
child is a living “accident,” the unanticipated result of raw sexual
pleasure stripped of any responsibility to reproduction. As that child struggles
with lonely isolation, it will be “infected” psychologically with
the belief that “It would be better if you were dead.”
However it may
originate—in the womb, as an infant, throughout childhood—the
child’s unconscious desire will be to destroy itself in fulfillment
of the rejection it feels from its parents. And that desire will persist
even into adulthood, where it will wreak its own secret havoc, unless it
is recognized and healed. |
A Benign
Example
Here is a benign example of a
distraction that made perfect sense:
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Praying the
Rosary, during the Agony in the Garden, I
once spontaneously visualized my neighbor’s cat walking in my apartment.
Then suddenly I thought, “Why in the world am I thinking of a cat?”
Gradually, a realization developed; I remembered the preparations that my
neighbor and I had been going through in anticipation of her cat staying
with me for a short time while she went on vacation. Thus I identified the
underlying motive of the fantasy: anticipation. In anticipating my friend’s
absence (via the image of her cat in my care), I experienced the selfsame
psychological basis of agony that every human—even Christ in the
garden—is wont to experience when looking towards a future that holds
out a grim sense—symbolic or real—of
grief and loss. |
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Practical
Suggestions
The point of all of this is that,
once you can identify the psychological motive for the fantasy, you can do
something practical about your distractions.
• |
If thoughts of food keep
disturbing you when you are troubled by an uncertain future or by feelings
of emotional emptiness, you can tell yourself that you should be hungering
only for holiness. |
• |
If
erotic fantasies disturb you when you are
troubled by feelings of weariness, helplessness, or doubt, tell yourself
that only in Christ, not in the body of another
person, can you find true recognition and consolation. |
• |
If grandiose fantasies of
revenge disturb you when you are troubled by insults, tell yourself
to trust in God’s perfect justice—not in your own power or
pride—and to entrust
the pain to God. |
• |
If evil fantasies disturb
you, say to the fantasies themselves what Christ Himself said when hearing
something contrary to His mission: “Get behind Me, Satan! You are an
obstacle to Me. You are thinking not as God does, but as human beings do”
(Matthew 16:23). |
• |
If self-destructive
fantasies disturb you, do not try to fight them, because you can never
fight the unconscious or the devil and expect to win. Instead, just say,
politely, “I heard these things when I was a child; I don’t need
to hear them any more.” |
Concluding
Remarks
Fantasies will not go away just
because you interpret their motive. The more the fantasies occur, though,
the more you can train yourself through discipline to respond to the proper
spiritual solution, and the stronger you will become in
perseverance and faith.
Note also that spontaneous fantasies
(“thoughts and imaginings,” as Saint John of the Cross
described them) are products of the intellect,
not the will, and so they do not need to be confessed;
perfect
contrition alone can remit them (see the Catechism of the Catholic
Church §1452 and §1458).
If you act upon a fantasy, though,
whether through masturbation or some
other willful act of sex or violence or
revenge, then you quickly step from the realm of
venial sin to mortal sin.
___________
1. Dubay, Thomas. (1989). Fire Within.
San Francisco: Ignatius Press (ISBN 0-89870-263-1). See pp. 232-233.
2. In the technical language of psychoanalysis,
this “curiosity” could be called free association, a mental
process by which one word or image spontaneously brings to mind other words
or images. So, in our present context, if you can identify a thought or mental
image that occurs along with a feeling, you can focus your attention on that
thought or image and ask yourself what other thoughts or images come to mind.
Following the “tracks” of a string of associations can lead you
to the original experience that engendered the feeling in the first
place.
What the
Catechism of the Catholic Church says:
1452 When
it arises from a love by which God is loved above all else, contrition is
called “perfect” (contrition of charity). Such contrition remits
venial sins; it also obtains forgiveness of mortal sins if it includes the
firm resolution to have recourse to sacramental confession as soon as
possible.
1458 Without being strictly necessary, confession of everyday
faults (venial sins) is nevertheless strongly recommended by the Church.
Indeed the regular confession of our venial sins helps us form our conscience,
fight against evil tendencies, let ourselves be healed by Christ and progress
in the life of the Spirit. By receiving more frequently through this sacrament
the gift of the Father’s mercy, we are spurred to be merciful as he
is merciful.
1855 Mortal sin destroys charity in the heart of
man by a grave violation of God’s law; it turns man away from God, who
is his ultimate end and his beatitude, by preferring an inferior good to
him.
1861 Mortal sin is a radical possibility of human freedom,
as is love itself. It results in the loss of charity and the privation of
sanctifying grace, that is, of the state of grace. If it is not redeemed
by repentance and God’s forgiveness, it causes exclusion from Christ’s
kingdom and the eternal death of hell, for our freedom has the power to make
choices for ever, with no turning back. However, although we can judge that
an act is in itself a grave offense, we must entrust judgment of persons
to the justice and mercy of God.
  
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