Psychological Healing
in the Roman Catholic Mystic Tradition

Questions and Answers

I get sexual feelings when I pray to the point of semi-arousal of my genitals. No sexual fantasies except a great affection for our Lord. I read the book The Fire Within, by Thomas Dubay, S.M. and understand to experience sexual stirrings within a completely pure delight in God should be neither a surprise nor a source of worry. Do you have any thoughts on sexual feelings during prayer?

Outline of the Answer
• Introduction
• Understanding, not Ignoring
• The Definition of Fantasies
• Sexual Fantasies
• Fantasies of Grandiosity
• Evil Fantasies
• Self-destructive Fantasies
• A Benign Example
• Practical Suggestions
• Concluding Remarks

  
Any kind of distraction during prayer, whether sexual or not, is a common problem. Thomas à Kempis was agonized by his wandering thoughts during prayer (The Imitation of Christ, Book 3, ch. 48). Saint Teresa of Avila described similar problems as well; she concluded that the problem derives from Original Sin.

And so it isn’t good for us to be disturbed by our [unwanted] thoughts, nor should we be concerned. If the devil causes them, they will cease with this suspension. If they come, as they do, from one of the many miseries inherited through the sin of Adam, let us be patient and endure them for the love of God since we are likewise subject to eating and sleeping without being able to avoid it, which is quite a trial.

The Interior Castle
IV:4.11

 
Understanding, not Ignoring

Catholic mystics who have commented on the problem show us, therefore, that in the days before the psychology of the unconscious the common spiritual solution to unwanted thoughts and feelings was simply to ignore such disturbances. And Father Dubay, in his excellent book, offers similar advice.[1] But Fr. Dubay is not a psychologist, and psychology, when carefully applied in a Catholic context, can allow us to do more than just tolerate such distractions. That is, instead of ignoring your distractions you can actually understand them and derive benefit from them.

Two simple steps can help you here:

1.

First recognize the situation in which the distracting fantasies arise. For example, are you praying while still feeling the effects of a critical comment from someone? Are you praying for someone who has some emotional connection to you? Or are you praying one of the mysteries of the Rosary?

2.

Then ask yourself what the fantasy could be telling you about your weakness in that particular situation.

 
The Definition of Fantasies

Now, as used in the context of the psychology of the unconscious, fantasies do not necessarily mean daydreams, or something with a miniature story line, or a well-developed plot. A fantasy can be just a snippet of a mental image that evokes a certain emotional reaction or thought process. 

So, if you experience a feeling that seems to pop up out of nowhere, with a little psychological curiosity [2] you can usually identify a connected mental image or thought. And, with that connection made, you can then begin to understand the psychological reason for the feeling.

 
Sexual Fantasies

Sexual fantasies often arise when we are feeling weary, or unrecognized, or empty, or alone. The mental image of free access to another person’s body gives the illusory sense of an intoxicating existential merger with an “other” to hide the unwanted reality of your own brokenness, so that you can experience the ecstasy of transcending the “unknown” or of “feeling seen” (common male fantasies) or of “being filled” (a common female fantasy). Homosexual fantasies can reverse these roles: a man can desire to be filled with the strength of a father (who in reality was weak, or absent, or cruel); a woman can desire to be seen by a mother (who in reality was cruel or neglectful or smothering). The combinations can be almost infinite, and they all point to a certain lack of unconditional childhood recognition, guidance, or acceptance that resonates with a current lack of recognition, guidance, or acceptance.

Sexual fantasies can also derive from memories of past sexual activity that now carry feelings of guilt or regret—or even anger.

 
Fantasies of Grandiosity

Fantasies of mild grandiosity (e.g., being a hero, or having notable strength or poise to get the upper hand in a social situation) are common in normal psychology; these fantasies can serve as compensation for experiences of helplessness, hurt, or insult.

Note, however, that as emotional wounds increase in intensity or duration, fantasies of grandiosity can become increasingly disordered, resulting in a personality disorder (e.g., Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or in a preoccupation with the occult (as a way to feel powerful because of what you know).

 
Evil Fantasies

Evil” fantasies (e.g., rape or killing) can result from unconscious wishes for revenge to compensate for some sort of perceived injury.

 
Self-destructive Fantasies

Self-destructive fantasies can result from perceiving the behaviors (or the actual words) of a rejecting mother and then internalizing the mother’s feelings as your own beliefs.

For example, consider a woman, newly married to a man who turns out to be irresponsible, and now despairingly pregnant with a child she doesn’t want. Right in the womb that developing fetus will be “infected” psychologically with the belief that “It would be better if you were dead.”

Or maybe a woman is too emotionally immature to attend to an infant’s needs. As that infant struggles with the dark terror of its neglect, it will be “infected” psychologically with the belief that “It would be better if you were dead.”

Or maybe the child is a living “accident,” the unanticipated result of raw sexual pleasure stripped of any responsibility to reproduction. As that child struggles with lonely isolation, it will be “infected” psychologically with the belief that “It would be better if you were dead.”

However it may originate—in the womb, as an infant, throughout childhood—the child’s unconscious desire will be to destroy itself in fulfillment of the rejection it feels from its parents. And that desire will persist even into adulthood, where it will wreak its own secret havoc, unless it is recognized and healed.

 
A Benign Example

Here is a benign example of a distraction that made perfect sense:

Praying the Rosary, during the Agony in the Garden, I once spontaneously visualized my neighbor’s cat walking in my apartment. Then suddenly I thought, “Why in the world am I thinking of a cat?” Gradually, a realization developed; I remembered the preparations that my neighbor and I had been going through in anticipation of her cat staying with me for a short time while she went on vacation. Thus I identified the underlying motive of the fantasy: anticipation. In anticipating my friend’s absence (via the image of her cat in my care), I experienced the selfsame psychological basis of agony that every human—even Christ in the garden—is wont to experience when looking towards a future that holds out a grim sense—symbolic or real—of grief and loss.

 
Practical Suggestions

The point of all of this is that, once you can identify the psychological motive for the fantasy, you can do something practical about your distractions.

If thoughts of food keep disturbing you when you are troubled by an uncertain future or by feelings of emotional emptiness, you can tell yourself that you should be hungering only for holiness.

If erotic fantasies disturb you when you are troubled by feelings of weariness, helplessness, or doubt, tell yourself that only in Christ, not in the body of another person, can you find true recognition and consolation.

If grandiose fantasies of revenge disturb you when you are troubled by insults, tell yourself to trust in God’s perfect justice—not in your own power or pride—and to entrust the pain to God.

If evil fantasies disturb you, say to the fantasies themselves what Christ Himself said when hearing something contrary to His mission: “Get behind Me, Satan! You are an obstacle to Me. You are thinking not as God does, but as human beings do” (Matthew 16:23).

If self-destructive fantasies disturb you, do not try to fight them, because you can never fight the unconscious or the devil and expect to win. Instead, just say, politely, “I heard these things when I was a child; I don’t need to hear them any more.”

 
Concluding Remarks

Fantasies will not go away just because you interpret their motive. The more the fantasies occur, though, the more you can train yourself through discipline to respond to the proper spiritual solution, and the stronger you will become in perseverance and faith.

Note also that spontaneous fantasies (“thoughts and imaginings,” as Saint John of the Cross described them) are products of the intellect, not the will, and so they do not need to be confessed; perfect contrition alone can remit them (see the Catechism of the Catholic Church §1452 and §1458).

If you act upon a fantasy, though, whether through masturbation or some other willful act of sex or violence or revenge, then you quickly step from the realm of venial sin to mortal sin.

 
___________

1. Dubay, Thomas. (1989). Fire Within. San Francisco: Ignatius Press (ISBN 0-89870-263-1). See pp. 232-233.

2. In the technical language of psychoanalysis, this “curiosity” could be called free association, a mental process by which one word or image spontaneously brings to mind other words or images. So, in our present context, if you can identify a thought or mental image that occurs along with a feeling, you can focus your attention on that thought or image and ask yourself what other thoughts or images come to mind. Following the “tracks” of a string of associations can lead you to the original experience that engendered the feeling in the first place.

 

What the Catechism of the Catholic Church says:

1452  When it arises from a love by which God is loved above all else, contrition is called “perfect” (contrition of charity). Such contrition remits venial sins; it also obtains forgiveness of mortal sins if it includes the firm resolution to have recourse to sacramental confession as soon as possible.
 
1458  Without being strictly necessary, confession of everyday faults (venial sins) is nevertheless strongly recommended by the Church. Indeed the regular confession of our venial sins helps us form our conscience, fight against evil tendencies, let ourselves be healed by Christ and progress in the life of the Spirit. By receiving more frequently through this sacrament the gift of the Father’s mercy, we are spurred to be merciful as he is merciful.
 
1855  Mortal sin destroys charity in the heart of man by a grave violation of God’s law; it turns man away from God, who is his ultimate end and his beatitude, by preferring an inferior good to him.
 
1861  Mortal sin is a radical possibility of human freedom, as is love itself. It results in the loss of charity and the privation of sanctifying grace, that is, of the state of grace. If it is not redeemed by repentance and God’s forgiveness, it causes exclusion from Christ’s kingdom and the eternal death of hell, for our freedom has the power to make choices for ever, with no turning back. However, although we can judge that an act is in itself a grave offense, we must entrust judgment of persons to the justice and mercy of God.
 

 


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