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Psychological Healing
in the Catholic Mystic Tradition

Questions and Answers

I am beginning to realize that I need some professional help, and yet I am having a hard time accepting that. I have always tried to figure my problems out by myself, and yet have never been able to do this. I have lived outwardly as a “normal person” . . . while interiorly hiding terrible guilt feelings and mental anguish. I do not dare tell anyone the truth about me, that I have lived with secret interior misery and despair. I spend a lot of time helping others, while all the while feeling like a total hypocrite. . . . This problem is not new—looking back, I can see a pattern of real spiritual scruples and false guilt from [my childhood] and had a real spiritual dilemma that I did not know how to handle and did not trust the adults in my life.
   
[Eventually] I . . . realized I had wasted the best years of my life, had never loved or been loved, and I had health problems and depression. I had spent the majority of my life hiding the anguish inside of me and not being able to turn to anyone. . . . [Now] I am struggling to practice my Catholic Faith again. Yet, I am running into the same old scruple patterns.
   I decided to turn to an anonymous priest for help, and e-mailed an “ask a priest website.” Here is . . . his response which was upsetting.
   If you can help me, I would appreciate it.
 
Dear Friend in Christ,
You say you don’t want to encourage scruples. With all due respect, your entire message to me is classic scrupulosity. You are beating yourself up and badly!! The more you frustrate yourself as to whether this or that is a venial or mortal sin, the more you focus constantly on the frustration of having distracting thoughts, then the more you are going to fall into the pattern. You really need some professional help because you are a walking advertisement for why one must be careful of living a life of scrupulosity. You can get better with professional help and, I will bet you, you will not be hurting yourself so much with all these gyrations of scrupulosity and false guilt. Good luck. Get help now. God bless.
 

Outline of the Answer
• Knowing and Not-knowing
• The Unconscious Conflict of Scruples
• The Psychological Motive
• Interpretation, not Fear
• Anger and Self-condemnation
• Self-condemnation and Scruples
• Love, Not Human Perfection
• Learning from Mistakes

 

O Lord! where is that priest’s tact and compassion? He sort of has the right idea, yet still he misses the point. In fact, I have reproduced your long letter and his comments here just to show how psychologically complicated the matter about scruples can be.

So let’s begin with some background information necessary to understand the origin of scruples.

 
The Background: Knowing and Not-knowing

Every child born into this world is born into a pre-existing social world of language, science, technology, art, literature, and so on. But even more profound than the mystery of the sum total of all this factual information is the mystery of the child’s own body. The child finds itself literally at the mercy of biological processes—eating, vomiting, defecation, urination, bleeding, reproduction, and death—that it can neither control nor comprehend. Thus the child will feel excluded and will believe—rightly so—that the world “knows” something that he or she does not know. Right from the beginning, then, the child is located in the unknown surrounded by a profound emotional space of “not knowing” and feeling “left out.”

Moreover, when children are criticized and humiliated by others, they can develop the belief that others are deliberately withholding knowledge from them, and this belief can cause the children to burn with anger at their parents in particular and the world in general. Such children can develop an intense desperation to want to figure out everything in advance, before risking doing anything, so as to avoid further feelings of humiliation.

It’s an awkward, uncomfortable, and frustrating place to be—and so we all devote considerable energy to overcoming the feeling of “not knowing.”

We might seek out intellectual knowledge through formal education.

We might engage in scientific research.

We might join country clubs, gangs, cults, cliques, or any other social organization that purports to offer some secret “knowledge.”

We might search through myriads of pornographic images hoping for the special privilege of seeing what is usually kept hidden.


  

We might seek out “carnal knowledge” through the body of another person and attempt to locate the psychological agony of our bodily mystery in the pleasure—or pain—of the other.

We might create our own fantasy worlds—with thoughts and images of eroticism, heroism, revenge, or destruction—in which we can “figure it out” on our own so as to possess the power and recognition we so desperately crave.

Nevertheless, all the “knowledge” that we can find in the world is nothing but a thin veil that hangs over the dark anguish of helplessly “not knowing.” Standing before the veil, suspecting our “not knowing,” we feel confused, wretched, weak, useless—and angry.

Because it is this anger—and your fear of it and your hiding it—that fuels the problem of scruples, let’s explore how it happens.

 
The Unconscious Conflict of Scruples

You might be afraid that everyone who reads this question will know exactly who you are—and yet you are just one of millions, in every parish of every diocese of every country. I’ve seen this problem with men and women, with the laity, with religious, and with priests. It’s all the same thing: “If anyone knew what I was really like, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me.” Even as you try to confess—even as you ask for help—you are unconsciously hiding something.

When you are tormented with scruples you are essentially caught in an unconscious conflict, such that even as you are confessing your sins you are secretly trying to hide them.

So, what exactly are you trying to hide? Well, let’s find out by considering some practical guidance about scruples and see where that takes us.

   
The Psychological Motive

It may seem surprising, but you don’t have to confess the psychological thoughts and fantasies about which you have scruples; instead, endeavor to discover the underlying psychological motive for the thoughts and fantasies.[1]

For example, while you’re praying the Rosary, you might find yourself drifting into fantasies—often sexual, but not always—based in memories from things you did in the past. If you notice what’s happening and break out of the fantasy, then you can say, “Why am I thinking about such-and-such right in the middle of the Rosary? What’s going on?” Then put the Rosary “on pause” and start examining what has been happening to you recently and how you feel about it all.

In that examination you might discover some event from the day—or from recent days—that left you feeling helpless or useless or weak in some way. Then make yourself deal with that event by confessing your weakness and helplessness and implore God for the strength to endure the pain and for the guidance to deal with the problem. In other words, the fantasy is a sort of intoxication, a drug-like “hit” that covers up the pain you don’t want to accept.

 
Interpretation, not Fear

Given the information above, you can learn to listen to and interpret your fantasies, rather than act them out or fear them, and thus you will be guided into real healing for your psychological pain.

Feeling true sorrow for your behavior, you can open your mind and your heart to move past your mistakes into purification: to learn, to grow and to be formed by God.

  

Note here that someone who pays close attention to details out of love for the work at hand acts virtuously, whereas someone who obsesses about details out of fear that something bad might happen if everything is not done perfectly acts with the characteristics of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

  

Then, when you have learned to be wretched {gracefully}, and can trust in Christ’s mercy and His inexhaustible love for all sinners, you can remain confident that no matter what you do, Christ will never abandon you and that He will ceaselessly call you into repentance and draw you back to His grace.

Well, so far, so good. But there’s a catch here, isn’t there?

 
Anger and Self-condemnation

You cannot trust in God, however, if you’re angry at Him. “What!?” you ask. “Angry at God ? I’m a devout Catholic!”

Well, sit down and listen to a shocking piece of psychology here.

Yes, you are angry at God because you’re angry at your parents, especially your father. But, because it’s too psychologically terrifying for some persons to be openly angry at someone so close to them as their father, they turn their anger to someone more distant: God the Father.

Now, why would you be angry with your parents? Well, you’re angry with them because of their failures in leading you into a proper knowing of the world. You’re angry because you were left having to figure out everything for yourself. As a child, you wanted nurturance, guidance, explanations, and emotional and physical protection, but for one reason or another your parents failed you. They may have been absent physically or emotionally, and in that absence they essentially disabled you psychologically and spiritually.

As a result, you feel hurt and irritated at your parents, and those feelings lead you to impulses of hatred and anger. But that is not all. Some part of you enjoys your disability because it allows you a means of expressing your hatred and getting revenge on your parents; that is, you throw your disability back in their faces as evidence that they have failed you, and in that very act of “throwing your disability in their faces” you get the satisfaction of hurting them—and that hurting of them is your revenge.

Thus you have stumbled into the odd dynamic of self-condemnation: in hurting yourself, you find a clever way to hurt others.

 
Self-condemnation and Scruples

In reaching this point of self-condemnation, some individuals will openly reject their faith and leave the Church. This act itself is a form of self-sabotage, and it illustrates the point that many people will send themselves to hell in order to get revenge on others.

Other individuals, however, will not make an open break with their faith. They are angry at their parents, yes, and they are angry at all authority, too, but their anger takes the form of varying levels of conscious resentment mixed with hidden unconscious anger.

Consequently, these persons find themselves in the conflict of wanting to serve God while at the same time wanting to hurt others. So when it comes to self-scrutiny and confessing sins, they unconsciously hide the very sins they try to confess.

And there you have it: scruples. You’re overly concerned about things that might be sins in order to hide the real sin of your secret anger at God.

 
The Solution:
Salvation Depends on Love not on Human Perfection

In his first letter, Saint John tells us to love not just in word or speech but in deed and truth (1 John 3:18), and he reminds us that in this love we shall know that we belong to the truth (1 John 3:19).

  

Christ chose ordinary men, not scholars and theologians, to be His Apostles and disciples. Why? To demonstrate that the Church He was establishing would grow through God’s grace, not through mere human intelligence.

So keep in mind that your salvation depends on your willingness to grow in love, not on your human perfection.

  

This knowing that comes from love is the only knowledge we really need. When we understand love to be a plain matter of suffering and self-sacrifice, we do not need to fret about questions such as “Does God really want me to do this?” or “How do I know this is enough?” or “Is this really a sin?” or “Have I really done anything wrong?”

Consequently, when you’re paralyzed by scruples, you are really stuck in an unconscious belief that God has some preordained plan for you that, through your own efforts, you have to discover and put into practice in order to please God. The truth, however, is that all God wants from any of us is to learn to love Him by maintaining a constant awareness of His presence in all things.

When you are praying and distractions interfere with your concentration, say to yourself, “It’s OK. I don’t have to repeat the prayer until I get it perfect. My intent is love; I don’t have to be perfect to love.”

When fantasies and “blasphemous” thoughts intrude into your mind, if you try to fight them they will only get more intense, and you will become more anxious. The key here is to understand that God does not hold against us the things we think spontaneously, nor does He expect us to stop all spontaneous thoughts; all He wants from us is to grow in love by recognizing that certain thoughts are offenses to love and to tell ourselves so—and then to draw our awareness back to Him.

Therefore, say to yourself, “It’s OK. I know these thoughts are an offense to love, and I don’t really intend to carry them out in actions. My intent is love; I don’t have to be perfect in not having intruding thoughts. So let’s return to the prayer.”

 
Learning from Mistakes

When we make the decision to commit ourselves to love, we, by definition, set aside all acts of revenge, both in regard to others and in regard to ourselves. This is an absolute decision; when our lives are governed by a commitment to learn and grow from our mistakes, we are freed from being stuck in fear.

The knowing that comes from love is, therefore, an elegant, simple solution to scruples.

But it’s not easy. Hatred and revenge are such sweet delicacies in our social culture that hardly anyone wants to let go of them. Yet giving up revenge and committing yourself to a life of pure love is your only choice—other than sending yourself to hell to get your revenge.

God asks of you only that you openly admit your mistakes to Him and to be willing to learn from them. So rejoice, no scruples can hide here; every mistake, from small simple mistakes to large sins, can be overcome just by asking God to teach you whatever you need to learn from them to set yourself on the spiritual path of overcoming the temptations to make those same mistakes again. You don’t have to worry if the sin needed to be confessed or if you confessed perfectly enough; just repent, confess, ask God to show you how to learn from your mistakes—for the sake of learning rather than for the sake of trying to be perfect.

Ask this from your heart and really mean it.

Moreover, accept all things, no matter how emotionally painful, as coming from God to teach you to grow in your love for, and trust in, Him. God wants you to be holy, not to bury yourself in blame.

 

Who wrote this web page?
 

Notes

1. Even though you need not confess these thoughts and fantasies, it is still necessary to understand their psychological meaning in the context of your personal life experiences. You can achieve this understanding through personal scrutiny or through spiritual direction that uses psychotherapeutic techniques.

 

What the Catechism of the Catholic Church says:

1452  When it arises from a love by which God is loved above all else, contrition is called “perfect” (contrition of charity). Such contrition remits venial sins; it also obtains forgiveness of mortal sins if it includes the firm resolution to have recourse to sacramental confession as soon as possible.
 
1458  Without being strictly necessary, confession of everyday faults (venial sins) is nevertheless strongly recommended by the Church. Indeed the regular confession of our venial sins helps us form our conscience, fight against evil tendencies, let ourselves be healed by Christ and progress in the life of the Spirit. By receiving more frequently through this sacrament the gift of the Father’s mercy, we are spurred to be merciful as he is merciful.
 
1855  Mortal sin destroys charity in the heart of man by a grave violation of God’s law; it turns man away from God, who is his ultimate end and his beatitude, by preferring an inferior good to him.
 
1861  Mortal sin is a radical possibility of human freedom, as is love itself. It results in the loss of charity and the privation of sanctifying grace, that is, of the state of grace. If it is not redeemed by repentance and God’s forgiveness, it causes exclusion from Christ’s kingdom and the eternal death of hell, for our freedom has the power to make choices for ever, with no turning back. However, although we can judge that an act is in itself a grave offense, we must entrust judgment of persons to the justice and mercy of God.
 

 


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Where Catholic therapy (Catholic psychotherapy) is explained according to Catholic psychology in the tradition of the Catholic mystics.