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My son
(age three) has “discovered” masturbation (at this point rubbing
a toy on his genitals or rubbing on the floor). Before I became a Catholic
(this year), I would have probably said something like “go to your room,
honey, if you need to do that...,” but now that I know it is just WRONG,
I don’t want to allow him to do this any more than I would allow him
to eat whatever he wants at every meal. At the same time, I don’t want
to do anything to inhibit a healthy/correct view for the future of his
body/sexuality (or make a big deal so he does it for negative attention)
I have been first trying to distract him and if that doesn’t work I
then tell him (strongly) to stop. He often gets upset, even very angry, and
doesn’t want to. I often force him to stop by removing him from the
room and helping him get involved in something else. This doesn’t work
well if we are in the car.
How do you recommend I handle this situation? Is it OK to forcefully make
him stop? Is discipline like time-out called for? I pray for his purity and
try not to worry (but I do). Priests or friends say don’t worry because
he can’t really sin at this age, but I know he can certainly develop
bad habits that could become a pattern of sin later.
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 magine how any child feels in being
surrounded by a vast and mysterious world. In the midst of obscure rules
and traditions, the child will feel helpless and ignorant and will be driven
by the urge to acquire a sense of power and efficacy to compensate for a
shameful
sense of “not knowing.”
Now, through education and
experience, most adults have come to terms with what they know and what they
don’t know about life, and they feel fairly comfortable with it all.
Therefore, most adults, when confronted with a Do Not Enter sign on
a door, for example, will simply accept it at face value and move on. To
a child, however, the words Do Not Enter reverberate with enticement.
“If they don’t want me going in there, it must be something special.
I wonder what it is?” To a child, then, “forbidden” usually
means “something to be desired and explored
because someone else surely must be enjoying it.”
This leads us to an odd psychological
irony: to tell your child that he is doing something bad only increases
his desire for it.
So what can you do when you find
him masturbating?
Clinical
Considerations
The matter of your son’s
anger raises some special clinical issues for inquiry.
1. |
Is your son in daycare
or not? If not, then this issue is moot. But if he is, then it would be helpful
to determine if he masturbates in that setting and what the teacher does
about it. For example, you could be working at cross purposes with a liberal
teacher. Also, you could try to determine if he learned this behavior from
other children. It’s even possible that someone could be
sexually
abusing him. |
2. |
Are there any current
underlying conflicts between you and your husband that your son could be
unconsciously acting out? |
3. |
Is your
husband actively involved with the family? Is your
son’s behavior some response to his need for attention from his
father? |
4. |
How did you feel
about your son’s conception? What were the circumstances of the conception?
Was it planned? How did you feel about your son as you carried him in the
womb? Were you experiencing any emotional turmoil about other matters during
the time of your pregnancy? How did you feel about your son in the initial
months of his life? Was he
“difficult” or not? |
Any of these issues could hold
some emotional reason (e.g., in regard to needs for attention and protection
that were not met) for your son to feel angry with you in general. In this
case, masturbation could be considered the symptom of a deeper, emotional
problem that might now be addressed—perhaps with some outside professional
help—more directly than it has before.
Behavioral
Suggestions
Below are several distinct yet
interrelated behavioral suggestions.
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Give a name to the masturbation
that your son can understand. Instead of calling it “that” (as
in “Don’t do that!”) you might refer to it as
“playing with yourself.”
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Affirm his reality. Let him know
that, in regard to his personal experience, he is not inferior in knowledge
to you. Masturbating feels good. He knows it. You know it. So just acknowledge
it: “Playing with yourself feels good, doesn’t it?”
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Teach your son that his body
is the temple of the Holy Spirit. Explain to him,
constantly and in changing terms as he grows, how he can care for his body
as an instrument of divine will. Explain to him that the desire for divine
love is more important than any other desire. Show him how to satisfy bodily
needs by subordinating bodily
desires to the supreme desire for
holiness.
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Do what almost every
parent—even those who call themselves devout Catholics—fail miserably
in doing: nurture your child’s desire for the
holy. Realize that because of his drive to understand the world (including
his body) he already has the desire to feel good. Now teach him that there
is something more powerful and more mysterious than feeling
good with masturbation. Teach him about the love of
God. Rather than stifle his curiosity with the shame of the forbidden, take
his hands, join them together in front of him, and say, “Let me show
you something really, really, special. This is how we pray to God, who is
a powerful Father to all of us and who protects us when we feel scared and
who teaches us everything we need to know about the world.” Then recite
the Our Father with him.
And every time thereafter that
you find him masturbating, instead of saying “STOP that!” say,
“Playing with yourself feels good, doesn’t it? Come, let us do
something even better! Let us pray together!” as you take his
hands and join them with yours in prayer.
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If he persists in masturbating
even after you pray with him, then, instead of getting into a battle of wills
with him, simply give him permission to play with
himself [1]
and then take one of several possible responses depending on the
circumstances.
You might say, “If you want
to play with yourself, you have my permission. When you are finished, then
you can resume [doing what he has been doing].” Then remove his toys
and ignore him until he responds positively.
Or, you might say, “If you
want to play with yourself, you have my permission. When you are finished,
then we can [do something together that he really enjoys].” Then ignore
him until he responds positively. The point is, he will have to decide to
stop masturbating of his own will in order to get to do what you are offering.
And if he starts masturbating while doing that activity, pray with him; if
he continues to masturbate, say, “If you want to play with yourself,
you have my permission. When you are finished, then we can resume [our
activity].” Then ignore him until he responds positively. The key here
is consistency and repetition.
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It’s that simple.
Well, almost.
For this to really work, your
son needs to see that you yourself live a
holy lifestyle. Your son needs to see that
you yourself pray constantly. He needs to see
the evidence that you yourself desire God
more than anything else. He needs to see you on
your knees before the Crucifix begging God for help. He needs to hear you
thanking God for every good thing that happens. He needs to hear you praising
God in all things.
If you were a nun or a monk you
could pray silently in isolation, but as parents you have the
responsibility to join with your son in prayer in
every daily activity. Praying in your bedroom by yourself doesn’t help
him one bit. Praying silently under your breath doesn’t help him one
bit. Nor does your participation in any of the common
culturally-accepted sins—aggression in
sports and games,
argumentativeness, complaining, cursing,
political griping and
protest, self-indulgence in general (overeating,
smoking, recreational drinking, immodest clothing, tattoos, piercings, etc.)
and sexual preoccupation—help him one
bit.
Therefore, show your
faith constantly. Instead of letting your son be
seduced by the deceptive mystery of the social world,
show him the true mystery of God’s love and teach
him how to desire the holy.
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1. “Giving permission” is a
temporary psychological method that utilizes paradox to bypass resistance;
it’s neither a declaration that “masturbating is OK” nor an
attempt to condone sin. The goal here is to stop a behavior without causing
long-lasting emotional scars from a shameful, guilt-producing battle of
wills.
  
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