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I am
beginning to realize that I need some professional help, and yet I am having
a hard time accepting that. I have always tried to figure my problems out
by myself, and yet have never been able to do this. I have lived outwardly
as a “normal person” . . . while interiorly hiding terrible
guilt feelings and mental anguish. I do not dare tell anyone the truth about
me, that I have lived with secret interior misery and despair. I spend a
lot of time helping others, while all the while feeling like a total
hypocrite. . . . This problem is not new—looking back,
I can see a pattern of real spiritual scruples and false guilt from [my
childhood] and had a real spiritual dilemma that I did not know how to
handle and did not trust the adults in my life.
[Eventually] I . . . realized I had wasted
the best years of my life, had never loved or been loved, and I had health
problems and depression and addiction to pornography. I had spent the majority
of my life hiding the anguish inside of me and not being able to turn to
anyone. . . . [Now] I am struggling to practice my Catholic
Faith again. Yet, I am running into the same old scruple patterns.
If you can help me, I would appreciate it.
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 our comments show how psychologically
complicated the matter about scruples can be, and how much of the problem
derives from early family experiences.
So let’s begin with some
background information necessary to understand the origin of
scruples.
The Background:
Knowing and Not-knowing
Every child is born into a
pre-existing social world of language, science, technology,
art, literature, and so on. But even more profound than the mystery of the
sum total of all this factual information is the mystery of the child’s
own body. The child finds itself literally at the mercy of biological
processes—eating, vomiting, defecation, urination, bleeding, reproduction,
and death—that it can neither control nor comprehend. Thus the child
will feel excluded and will believe—rightly so—that the world
“knows” something that he or she does not know. Right from the
beginning, then, the child is located in the unknown surrounded by
a profound emotional space of “not knowing” and feeling “left
out.”
This natural experience is difficult
enough, but when children are criticized and humiliated by others—especially
their families—they can develop the belief that others
are deliberately withholding knowledge from them, and this belief
can cause the children to burn with anger at their
parents in particular and the world in general. Such children can develop
an intense desperation to want to figure out everything in advance, before
risking doing anything, so as to avoid further feelings of
humiliation.
It’s an awkward, uncomfortable,
and frustrating place to be—and so we all devote considerable energy
to overcoming the feeling of “not knowing.”
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We might seek out
intellectual knowledge through formal education. |
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We might engage in
scientific research. |
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We might join country
clubs, gangs, cults, cliques, or any other social organization that purports
to offer some secret “knowledge.” |
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We might search through
myriads of pornographic images hoping for the special privilege of seeing
what is usually kept hidden. |
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We might seek out
“carnal knowledge” through the body of another person and attempt
to locate the psychological agony of our bodily mystery in the
pleasure—or pain—of the other. |
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We might create our
own fantasy worlds—with thoughts and images
of eroticism, heroism, revenge, or destruction—in which we can “figure
it out” on our own so as to possess the power and recognition we so
desperately crave. |
Nevertheless, all the
“knowledge” that we can find in the world is nothing but a thin
veil that hangs over the dark anguish of helplessly “not knowing.”
Standing before the veil, suspecting our “not knowing,” we feel
confused, wretched, weak, useless—and
angry.
Because it is this anger—and
your fear of it and your hiding it—that fuels the problem of scruples,
let’s explore how it happens.
The Unconscious
Conflict of Scruples
You might be afraid that everyone
who reads this question will know exactly who you are—and yet you are
just one of millions, in every parish of every diocese of every country.
I’ve seen this problem with men and women, with the laity, with religious,
and with priests. It’s all the same thing: “If anyone knew what
I was really like, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me.”
Even as you try to confess—even as you ask for help—you are
unconsciously hiding something.
When you
are tormented with scruples you are essentially caught in an unconscious
conflict, such that even as you are confessing your sins you are secretly
trying to hide them. |
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So, what exactly are you
trying to hide? Well, let’s find out by considering some practical guidance
about scruples and see where that takes us.
The Psychological
Motive
It may seem surprising, but you
don’t have to confess the psychological thoughts and fantasies about which you
have scruples, just as Saint John of the Cross taught.
Yes, you must confess actual behaviors, such as using pornography
for self-arousal or for masturbation, but the inner fantasies themselves are
venial sins that can be healed with inner contrition and a dedicated desire to
discover the underlying psychological motive for the thoughts and
fantasies.[1]
(Nevertheless, speaking about these inner experiences to a priest in
confession could also be helpful, provided the priest
is psychologically astute and able to provide psychological guidance through
spiritual direction that uses
psychotherapeutic techniques.)
For example, while you’re trying
to pray you might find yourself drifting into
fantasies—often sexual, but not
always—that intrude into your mind. If you notice what’s happening and break out
of the fantasy, then you can say, “Why am I thinking about such-and-such right
now? What’s going on?” Then put your intended prayer “on pause” and begin a
different kind of prayer, a prayer of self-examination directed to discovering
what has been happening to you recently and how you feel about it all.
In that
examination you might discover some event from
the day—or from recent days—that left you feeling helpless or useless
or weak in some way. Then make yourself deal with that event by confessing
your weakness and helplessness and implore God for the strength to endure
the pain and for the guidance to deal with the problem. In other words, the
fantasy is a sort of intoxication, a drug-like “hit” that covers
up the pain you don’t want to accept.
“I’m terrified of
hell.”
The fear of hell
commonly underlies the panic of scruples. You could be terrified that if you
don’t get your prayer just right, you will go to hell. You could be terrified
that if you have bad thoughts, you will go to hell. You could be terrified that
if you’re uncertain as to whether you did the right thing or not, and if you don’t
get it right, you will go to hell. You could be terrified that if you don’t get
to confession right away, you will go to hell. You could be terrified that if
your confession isn’t good enough, you will go to hell. Your terror of hell can
tie you into emotional knots.
Yet, no matter how much you
worry about going to hell, it won’t prevent you from
going to hell. Souls end up in hell because they reject God’s love and
mercy, and so the only way to avoid hell is to
accept God’s love and mercy. Worrying about hell won’t do anything to
help you love God. In fact, worrying about going to hell is itself a rejection
of God’s willingness to forgive the sins you repent.
So try considering a different
strategy. Instead of fearing hell, which is characterized by
hate, think of its
opposite—love—and let a desire to love God
motivate your behavior. Instead of fearing what
you don’t want, learn to love what you do want: God.
Interpretation,
not Fear
Given the information above,
you can learn to listen to and interpret your
fantasies, rather than act them out or fear
them, and thus you will be guided into real healing
for your psychological pain.
If you feel true sorrow for your
behavior, rather than fear it, you can open your mind and your heart to move
past your mistakes into purification. You can learn to grow and to be formed
by your love for God.
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Note here that
someone who pays close attention to details out of love for the work
at hand acts virtuously, whereas someone who obsesses about details out of
fear that something bad might happen if everything is not done perfectly
acts with the characteristics of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.
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 Then, when you
have learned to be wretched {gracefully}, and
can trust in Christ’s mercy and His inexhaustible
love for all sinners, you can remain confident that
no matter what you do, Christ will never abandon you and that He will ceaselessly
call you into repentance and
draw you back to His grace. There is no limit to Christ’s
mercy, no number of sins beyond which God pardons no more. Christ’s mercy is
unfathomable. He said so Himself to Saint
Faustina.[2]
Well, so far, so good. But
there’s a catch here, isn’t there?
Anger and
Self-condemnation
You cannot trust in God, however,
if you’re angry at Him. “What!?” you ask. “Angry at
God ? I’m a devout
Catholic!”
Well, sit down and listen to
a shocking piece of psychology here.
Yes, you are angry at
God because you’re angry at your parents, especially your
father. But, because it’s too psychologically
terrifying for some persons to be openly angry at someone so close to them
as their father, they turn their anger to someone more distant: God the
Father.
Now, why would you be angry with
your parents? Well, you’re angry with them because of their failures
in leading you into a proper knowing of the
world. You’re angry because you were left having to figure out everything
for yourself. As a child, you wanted nurturance, guidance, explanations,
and emotional and physical protection, but for one reason or another your
parents failed you. They may have been absent
physically or emotionally, and in that absence they essentially disabled
you psychologically and spiritually.
As a result, you feel hurt and
irritated at your parents, and those feelings lead you to impulses of hatred
and anger. But that is not all. Some part of you enjoys your disability
because it allows you a means of expressing your hatred and getting revenge
on your parents; that is, you throw your disability back in their faces as
evidence that they have failed you, and in that very act of “throwing
your disability in their faces” you get the satisfaction of hurting
them—and that hurting of them is your revenge.
Thus you have stumbled into the
odd dynamic of self-condemnation: in
hurting yourself, you find a clever way to hurt others.
Self-condemnation
and Scruples
In reaching this point of
self-condemnation, some individuals will openly reject their faith and leave
the Church. This act itself is a form of self-sabotage, and it illustrates
the point that many people will send themselves to hell in order to get
revenge on others.
Other individuals, however, will
not make an open break with their faith. They are angry at their parents,
yes, and they are angry at all authority, too, but their anger takes the
form of varying levels of conscious resentment mixed with hidden
unconscious anger.
Consequently, these persons find
themselves in the conflict of wanting to serve God while at the same time
wanting to hurt others. So when it comes to self-scrutiny and confessing
sins, they unconsciously hide the very sins they try to confess.
And
there you have it: scruples. You’re overly concerned about things that
might be sins in order to hide the real sin of your secret
anger at God. |
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Yes, and there you have it.
The Solution:
Salvation Depends on Love not on Human Perfection
In his first letter, Saint John
tells us to love not just in word or speech but in deed and truth (1 John
3:18), and he reminds us that in this love we shall know that we belong
to the truth (1 John 3:19). So keep in mind that your salvation depends on your
willingness to grow in love, not on your human perfection.
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Christ chose
ordinary men, not scholars and theologians, to be His Apostles and disciples.
Why? To demonstrate that the Church He was establishing would grow through
God’s grace, not through mere human intelligence. |
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Understand, then, that the
knowing that comes from love is the only knowledge we really need. When
we understand love to be a plain matter of
suffering and self-sacrifice,
we do not need to fret about questions such as “Does God really want me to do this?”
or “How do I know this is enough?” or “Is this really a sin?” or “Have I really
done anything wrong?”
Consequently, when you’re
paralyzed by scruples, you are really stuck in an unconscious belief that
God has some preordained plan for you that, through your own efforts, you
have to discover and put into practice in order to please God. The truth,
however, is that all God wants from any of us is to learn to love Him by
maintaining a constant awareness of His presence in all things.
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When you are praying and distractions
interfere with your concentration, say to yourself, “It’s OK. I
don’t have to repeat the prayer until I get it perfect. My intent is
love; I don’t have to be perfect to love.” |
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When
fantasies and “blasphemous” thoughts
intrude into your mind, if you try to fight them by getting rid of them they will
only get more intense, and you will become more anxious. The key here is to understand
that God does not hold against us the things we think spontaneously, nor
does He expect us to stop all spontaneous thoughts; all He wants from us
is to grow in love by recognizing that certain thoughts are offenses to love
and to tell ourselves so—and then to draw our awareness back to
Him.[3]
Therefore, say to yourself,
“It’s OK. I know these thoughts are an offense to love, and I
don’t really intend to carry them out in actions. My intent is love;
I don’t have to be perfect in not having intruding thoughts. So let’s
return to the prayer.” |
Learning from
Mistakes
When we make the decision to
commit ourselves to love, we, by definition, set aside all acts of revenge,
both in regard to others and in regard to ourselves. This is an absolute
decision; when our lives are governed by a commitment to learn and grow from
our mistakes, we are freed from being stuck in
fear.
The knowing that comes
from love is, therefore, an elegant, simple solution to scruples.
But it’s not easy. Hatred
and revenge are such sweet delicacies in our social
culture that hardly anyone wants to let go of them. Yet giving up revenge
and committing yourself to a life of pure love
is your only choice—other than sending yourself to hell
to get your revenge.
God asks of you only that you
openly admit your mistakes to Him and to be willing to learn from them. So
rejoice, no scruples can hide here; every mistake, from small simple mistakes
to large sins, can be overcome just by asking God to teach you whatever you
need to learn from them to set yourself on the spiritual path of overcoming
the temptations to make those same mistakes again. You don’t have to
worry if the sin needed to be confessed or if you confessed perfectly enough;
just repent, confess, ask God to show you how to learn from your mistakes—for
the sake of learning rather than for the sake of trying to be perfect.
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Note that if you
keep falling into the same sin over and over despite repeated confessions,
then you are not confessing the real sin of anger at your parents that the
pleasure of the fantasies is working unconsciously to obscure. In such a
case it will be necessary for you to face the emotional wounds from your
childhood that drive you into sin—the same emotional wounds that your
scruples are trying to hide. |
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Moreover, accept all things,
no matter how emotionally painful, as coming from God to teach you to grow
in your love for, and trust in, Him. God wants you
to be holy, not to bury yourself in
blame.
Summary
Most problems involving scruples result
from a lack of trust in God’s mercy. In His mercy, God wants to help us get close to
Him; He is not like a cruel father who wants to “punish” us. To remedy the problem
of scruples, trust that God will not reject you because of your mistakes. Trust that
He wants to help you. So, whenever you are unsure about something you have done or
thought, rather than chastise yourself or punish yourself, bring the matter to God in
prayer. As an example, you can say, “O Lord, I’m not sure about what to do. I don’t
have good guidance about this. I’m confused. I don’t want to offend you, and I want to
serve you well. I want to do the most pure and holy thing. So please guide me. Help me
to understand what I should do. Show me the path to holiness, and I will follow your
guidance.” Remember that the answer will not come immediately and that you may have
to persist in seeking guidance until clarity comes to you in prayer. And even when you
have received some clarity, rather than doubt about whether it is correct, just follow
the inspiration and continue praying for further understanding. Refine your behavior
step-by-step. Thus, even though doubts may always be swirling around you, resist the
temptation to fall into paralysis and instead continue to persist in praying for guidance
as you slowly alter your course. Take heart: even mistakes in following His guidance can
be remedied with further prayer and continued correction.
The Final Shocking Point
Thus we reach the final point, a
shocking point to those who are scrupulous: being scrupulous is a sin. Scrupulosity
is sin because it denies God’s mercy; instead of trusting in God’s
guidance for your mistakes, you paralyze yourself with the fear of making a mistake.
Yet the solution is simple: admit you have been making a mistake in being scrupulous
and throw yourself into God’s mercy.
Notes.
1. If you dwell upon a spontaneous fantasy for
the sake of pleasure or satisfaction, then it becomes a conscious act of
your will, and you are culpable for the sin of dwelling on the fantasy. So what does
it mean to “dwell upon” a fantasy? Well, if you pay only enough attention
to the fantasy to learn something about the emotional pain from your childhood that is
driving the fantasy, then you are engaging in therapeutic healing,
and that’s not a sin. But if you pay attention to the fantasy only to derive
pleasure from it, then you are committing a grave sin that needs to be confessed. But
note also that if you keep falling into the same sin over and over despite
repeated confessions, then you are not confessing the
real sin of anger at your parents that the pleasure of the
fantasies is working unconsciously to obscure. In such a case it will be necessary for
you to face the emotional pain from your
childhood that drives you into sin—the same emotional pain that your scruples
are trying to hide.
2. Still, all repented sins have to be
paid for with suffering in this life and in
Purgatory.
3. See note 1.
What the
Catechism of the Catholic Church says:
1452 When
it arises from a love by which God is loved above all else, contrition is
called “perfect” (contrition of charity). Such contrition remits
venial sins; it also obtains forgiveness of mortal sins if it includes the
firm resolution to have recourse to sacramental confession as soon as
possible.
1458 Without being strictly necessary, confession of everyday
faults (venial sins) is nevertheless strongly recommended by the Church.
Indeed the regular confession of our venial sins helps us form our conscience,
fight against evil tendencies, let ourselves be healed by Christ and progress
in the life of the Spirit. By receiving more frequently through this sacrament
the gift of the Father’s mercy, we are spurred to be merciful as he
is merciful.
1855 Mortal sin destroys charity in the heart of
man by a grave violation of God’s law; it turns man away from God, who
is his ultimate end and his beatitude, by preferring an inferior good to
him.
1861 Mortal sin is a radical possibility of human freedom,
as is love itself. It results in the loss of charity and the privation of
sanctifying grace, that is, of the state of grace. If it is not redeemed
by repentance and God’s forgiveness, it causes exclusion from Christ’s
kingdom and the eternal death of hell, for our freedom has the power to make
choices for ever, with no turning back. However, although we can judge that
an act is in itself a grave offense, we must entrust judgment of persons
to the justice and mercy of God.
Recommended
Reading
A treasure of a resource for psychological and spiritual healing. Information
gathered from my websites (including this webpage) is now available at your fingertips
in book form.
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Falling Families, Fallen Children by Raymond Lloyd Richmond, Ph.D. Do
our children see a mother and a father both living in contemplative love for
God with a constant awareness of His presence and engaged in an all-out battle
with the evil of the world? More often than not our children don’t see living
faith. They don’t see protection from evil. They don’t see genuine, fruitful
devotion. They don’t see genuine love for God. Instead, they see our external
acts of devotion as meaningless because they see all the other things we do that
contradict the true faith. Thus we lose credibility—and when parents lose credibility,
children become cynical and angry and turn to the social world around them for
identity and acceptance. They are children who have more concern for social approval
than for loving God. They are fallen children. Let’s bring them back.
Ordering
Information |
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Read
an excerpt from a sermon by Saint Augustine
