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Question 1
Earlier this year,
I talked to a psychologist about my mother growing up. My mother is not affectionate and
she can still be very strict about things. I described the situation to the psychologist
and all she said was “Your mother did a terrible job.” And she did not help me with anything.
She gave me no tips, no boosts to self esteem, no nothing.
I did not like that my mother was judged and criticized. I didn’t think it was fair. I accept
that she was not affectionate and did not baby me and had me be her helper for much of her
life. Yes, she could have been warmer and loving but that’s just not her personality. She
herself says that she is “dry.” But she showed her love in other ways. The counselor gave no
support or suggestions for anything, and she acted like I was way out there. I didn't feel
respected.
However my mother did provide care and attention growing up. I was always fed, clothed, and
felt loved and safe in my home. I would read about healthy family dynamics and saw that we
had many. I came from a stable home. My dad was a heavy drinker so yes there were alcoholic
dynamics in there too but I went to Al-Anon for over 20 years and learned a lot.
What I need to know is how to keep moving forward with a strong sense of self-esteem and
confidence no matter what. I have heard for years that “self-love” is the key. Is this true?
I help my parents quite a bit with more as they are elderly now. I really have no room for
self-pity or for lingering on the imperfections. I feel like I just have to deal with feelings
if they come up which I typically do address as I know they are coming up to heal. I got over
quite a bit of stuff and I honestly need to stay focused on the present and just be grateful
they are alive and still independent.
Question 2
My husband and I have been married Catholic
for many years. We have several children. The 2 oldest ones have walked away from practicing the faith
and live in sinful situations, humanly impossible to rectify. Our third child has put us
through the wringer as well the last few years. He is still with the faith as best he can and
trying to come to terms with his hedonistic life-style of the past. Demonic activity is
definitely present, and we have taken steps towards deliverance. He is on board, but I am not
sure if all his heart is in it (yet). Our youngest children are in a good place with the
Faith and good lifestyles. They also have the bad examples of their older siblings of what
not to do, which carries a lot of weight.
For the longest time I have been wondering, “What have I done wrong?” I have come to the
conclusion that “I have given parenting my best as I knew how with what I had at the time.”
And that still holds true. And yet, there is a big “but.” The dysfunction that my husband
and I have lived as we carried our very own (in my case very substantial) wounds into our
marriage. We left my home country coming to America very consciously because I needed to
“get my father's voice out of my head.” That was not the only reason, but a big one. So, I
knew I needed healing. Just how deep the wounds were, I had no idea.
I am now with a Catholic therapist doing much needed healing work, and my husband is finally
open to learning about his own massive failure as a father, following his own father’s colossal
failure in this regard. I see it very clearly how the horribly passive and absent example of my
father-in-law influenced and wounded my husband. He has not yet seen the extent of the pain yet,
I don't think.
Neither he nor I have inflicted these wounds resulting from our own dysfunction on our children
on purpose, with intent nor malice. On the contrary, I personally have taken steps to facilitate
my own healing so as not to impose my wounds on my children. I trust that there is heavenly
reward in that.
And yet, we are facing the brokenness and shattered lives of our children, becoming painfully
aware that the source of these wounds is in the dysfunction of each of us individually as well
as our marriage.
How to repair the damage?
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 ll children are born into a preexisting world
that is totally unknown to them, and they learn how to cope with the world from behavioral
patterns they observe from others, from what they are taught by others, and from what they
discover on their own. Some of these patterns of behaving, such as trust in others, patience,
politeness, and so on, can be socially, psychologically, and spiritually healthy because they
facilitate non-harmful interpersonal interactions. Yet some patterns of behaving, such as yelling,
lying, and avoiding emotional pain, serve as protection from distressing situations; these
self-protective patterns (called defenses in psychological terminology) are usually unhealthy
because they can cause harm to others or can inhibit personal growth. Once learned in childhood,
however, these patterns will continue on into adulthood where they can affect all social
interactions, including behaviors of parenting. For example, someone who learned to be emotionally
avoidant as a child will be emotionally avoidant as a parent.
Consequently, although parents can do much good for
their children, any unhealthy psychological defenses of those parents can cause much harm to
their children.
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Note that in many cultures it
is forbidden for children to admit that parents have done anything emotionally harmful.
Consequently, children grow up stifling their resentment at their parents and blaming
themselves, but that only forces the pain to "leak out" socially. That’s why anger,
violence, and political corruption are rampant in such cultures. |
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Note carefully, though, that the unhealthy defensive
behaviors of the parents are not necessarily governed by malice. In many cases, unconscious
psychological defenses acquired in childhood have a self-protective nature
and are not matters of ill will. Nevertheless, once a parent becomes aware of any harm caused
by his or her behavior, then any refusal to change the harmful behavior is a refusal to seek good
for the children, and that refusal to seek the good is an act of malice to God.
So, what does this mean for
parents?
Note well that when parents cause harm to
their children, the harm is real and spiritually destructive. Therefore, the parents will
eventually have to answer to God for the harm they have caused. If throughout their lives
the parents remain blind to the harmful effects of their defenses, and yet if there truly
was no malice in their behavior, then the parents can appeal for mercy when they face God
at their death. That is, they can say they are innocent because they never knew they were
doing anything wrong. But if the parents have any inkling of the harm they have caused,
then they will be culpable for their behavior. Consequently, on the one hand, if they refuse
to repent and do whatever it takes to change their behavior, then they will be judged for the
malice of unrepentant sin. On the other hand, if they do decide to change their behavior,
by making those changes they will be making amends to God and to their children.
1. |
Making amends to God begins with contrition and
Confession for the damage done to the self, to the children, and to God. Then the parent must
(a) do the psychological work of recognizing and naming the defenses that have been behind the
harmful behaviors; (b) renounce all behaviors that cause harm to others (e.g., a cold heart, a
lack of compassion, avoidance of emotional pain, impatience, anger, revenge, hatred, lying,
dishonesty, cussing, etc.); (c) learn new and healthy patterns of behavior; and (d) take up a
holy lifestyle of chastity, modesty, humility, constant prayer, and detachment from social
corruption.
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2. |
Making amends to their children begins with the
humility and honesty necessary for the parents to admit their failures (i.e., to apologize)
to their children.
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Note that someone saying,
“I’m sorry for anything I did that hurt you” is not an apology. A real apology
requires that a person state clearly what was done, why it was done,
and why it was wrong. If a person cannot understand and express the conscious
and unconscious reasons why the offensive behavior occurred, then psychotherapy may be
required before a real apology can be made. |
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If the parents do apologize, and as they make
substantial and consistent changes to their behavior, the children will slowly grow to
trust the parents, and from there they can all follow a renewed path of pure and holy
love. But if the parents do not apologize, there will be a constant discomfort and lack
of trust in the parent-child relationship. |
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Keep in mind here that if the parents have failed
the children so much that the children have rejected God and have embraced lives of sin, then
it’s not the parents’ responsibility to make the children reform their lives; all the
parents can do is demonstrate new and healthy behavior to the children and thereby be a living
example of holy love that might eventually draw the children back to God.
So, what does this mean for
children who were hurt by their parents?
First of all, the children need to seek “both sides”
of the truth. That is, the many good things the parents have done should be graciously
acknowledged, and yet the hurt caused by the parents must also be acknowledged. In short, be
grateful for the good and be realistic about the hurt. Emotional hurt is real; it must be
admitted or else its suppression will have crippling effects on psychological, social, and
spiritual growth.
Nevertheless, for children to admit how the parents
have been hurtful does not amount to blaming or hating the parents. Blame and hate keep someone
in the place of a victim, always looking backwards in anger. Blame and hate keep one’s focus on
the external cause of the hurt and prevents one from making the internal changes necessary to
heal from the hurt. Thus blame stifles growth because it prevents the ability to look forward
into healthy growth—and love.
Furthermore, for children to heal from the emotional
hurt caused by their parents, it is not necessary for the children to discover the reason
for the parental failures, nor is it necessary for the parents to admit their failures. Yet if the
parents choose to admit their failures and talk to the children honestly and openly about the
causes of their failures, then the parents and children can proceed to live lives of pure
love.
But if the parents do not admit their failures, the
children can still seek healing without their parents’ help. Once the children acknowledge the
core of their anger, and understand it, and stop wishing harm on their parents to
make them say, “I’m sorry” and change their behavior, then the children can forgive their parents.
That is, the children can say, “Even if they never admit the hurt they caused to me, I can succeed
in life anyway. And if I refuse to heal it would be malice to myself.” Then the children will be
healed, and then they can turn to the whole world with true love in their hearts.
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