I .
. . find myself stuck in many of the unconscious conflicts that you describe,
the most striking of which has been outbursts of anger and
blaming . . . my parents. . . . My question
regards study and self-discipline. I have had a consistent problem of serious
procrastination since about the 7th grade (it was also during this grade
that I discovered pornography and became addicted to it and that I began
to spend many hours on the Internet). This procrastination has led to the
near failure of [a] class in high school and my failing a . . . class
last year in college; I also had to drop another class. . . .
I feel as though I’m taking a gamble every semester between getting
my work done at the last possible minute (quite literally) . . . [staying
up] all night . . . and failing the class.
. .
. I’ve found that if I can at least study with another person around,
then I can get some work done, but having someone to study with isn’t
always possible and the results have been mostly inconsistent.
One
issue that I’ve noticed especially in the past few months is that I
lack motivation to get things done. I even feel as though the love of God
is not a strong enough motivator in my life due to my own brokenness. When
asked by my spiritual director if there was anyone I could be accountable
to that would motivate me to get my work done, I responded that I couldn’t
think of anyone to be accountable to. I feel like I’m aimlessly floating
this way and that, doing my work on a whim, if I do it at all.
I feel
as though I understand in my mind that I need to enter deeply into the spiritual
life and be healed through God’s grace of any past hurt that I’m
carrying, but I continuously stumble over the same problems, such as
procrastination and masturbation. I’m also almost always constantly
fatigued (although this probably might be due to sleep
deprivation).
How
can I discipline myself to study well? What can I do to stop procrastinating?
Do you have any advice for studying? What else do you think is going on
here?
 e both know that anger at your
father is behind your problems, but merely knowing about the anger
doesn’t do anything to resolve it. Instead, it will be important to
understand how and why the anger affects you in everyday
events.
Puberty
Let’s begin by examining
what happened when you were in 7th grade. This is a time of puberty—when
you would have been about 13 years old—that marks the entrance into
the body’s
sexual maturity, and, by extension, into
adult social responsibility. From what you
have told me, I surmise that, because of your father’s failures, you
faced the prospect of puberty with considerable uncertainty.
The Psychological
Meaning of Masturbation
In this context, you used
masturbation to provide a form of self-soothing
and a feeling of control. Yes, masturbation feels good in the moment;
nevertheless, it is a failure of sexual
responsibility because it distorts the reproductive function into mere
self-serving pleasure. Hence we can see the spiritual danger of masturbation:
it’s a non-achievement that provides the
illusion of achievement. At its core is anger
at your father (and your mother, as may also be the case) for not comforting
you when, in the face of impending
responsibility, you felt vulnerable and
insecure.
The Psychological
Meaning of Procrastination
Similarly,
procrastination can be understood
psychologically as a sort of mental paralysis that arises when you face the
fear of the unknown.
It all results because of a lack in your father’s guidance when you
most needed it. Thus, with no accountable person around, your journey into
mature life became an aimless wandering without a guide—and so it can
be said that your every action was not much more than a whim. Therefore,
when new tasks appear in front of you now, you freeze psychologically. Behind
it all, at its core, is anger at your father for not
motivating you when you most needed
guidance.
Thus it can be said that
procrastination is not just a matter of not knowing how to do something,
but that it’s an emotionally poignant matter of despair about what you
do know: it’s a matter of knowing that you lack confidence in how
to do something combined with knowing unconsciously that your father
has failed to prepare you to do anything combined with a subtle knowing
that, in your despair, you really don’t want to do it right
now.
How to Stop
Procrastinating
Understanding this, we can now
proceed to describe what you need to do to stop procrastinating.
Make the
Connection
First, admit to yourself that
your father’s failures have had real and practical consequences in your
daily life and have led especially to your own failures. When you experience
a lack of motivation (or a lack of discipline, or distraction when trying
to study, etc.) tell yourself, “This is happening because of how my
father failed me.” The point here is not to blame your father so as
to punish him, but to take the blame off yourself. Your difficulties
don’t mean that there is something wrong with you—the real problem
is that you have been cheated of something you very much need. Furthermore,
this means that with proper guidance you can acquire what is now lacking
in you.
To Become
A Father to Yourself
Second, resolve to become a
“father” to yourself. Instead of staying stuck in blaming your
father for what you don’t have, and in unconsciously punishing him with
your failures, focus on taking personal responsibility to provide for yourself
with what has until now been lacking in you. This is easier said than done,
so there are three things you can hope in to overcome your
despair.
• |
Hope in
psychological guidance, such as
you are now receiving from me and my writing, and do whatever it takes to
learn from it. |
• |
Hope also in a growing
cooperation with your own
unconscious,
so that your unconscious will be an ally in learning. Realize that your
unconscious is not “out to get you”; it is, in essence, the truth
of your life, which, until now, you have largely suppressed because, in not
having your father’s guidance in how to appreciate it, you have
feared it. Through your psychological work of
healing you will find that your unconscious can
be a trusted source of enlightenment. |
• |
Hope also in
prayer, which will become more and more meaningful
to you as you let go of your anger at your father
and come to see God not as a reflection of your father’s failures but
as He really is: your truest and deepest
hope. |
Beyond Blame
into Forgiveness
Third—speaking of letting
go of anger at your father—begin to discharge the static buildup of
desiring the satisfaction of “hurting your father as he has hurt you.”
This sort of satisfaction is called
revenge; it traps you in blame, and it is
revealed for what it is when the grace of God cures your psychological
blindness and you see that all your failures
have had one secret intent: to hurt your father.
Your true success now will depend
on giving up the satisfaction of hurting your father, and you can do this
by pursuing real achievement for the love of God. Up until now you have been
unconsciously seeking failure so as to punish your father; now you can seek
achievement to exalt God the Father. This “discharge” is called
forgiveness because it is the cessation of your secret hatred for
your father and the beginning of genuine love for God and for all.
Summary
Follow this guidance and you
will become a “father”—to yourself and to all God’s
children.
In summary, then, when faced
with any new task, (a) remind yourself that you fear the unknown and doubt
yourself because your father failed to provide you with comfort and motivation
and that his failures have crippled you; (b) in spite of your doubts, call
upon the hope of knowing real guidance and comfort in a way you have never
known before; and (c) offer your true successes and achievements from now
on to God, for use in His service, and also as a special gift to your father,
that someday his eyes, too, might be opened.
No
advertising—no sponsor—just the simple truth . . .
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