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I have
been married to a Baptist for 10 years. I began the marriage very blind and
lost, but have come to know and love the Catholic faith over the course of
those years. My husband was severely physically abused by his father as a
child. He is critical, quick-tempered and seems to always be looking for
a reason to be angry and frustrated. We have 5 daughters and I worry about
what this will do to them emotionally. He is not present, but is addicted
to hunting and working outdoors when he is not at work.
I look
at this situation as my cross in life. I modeled the lives of St. Monica
& St. Rita, trying to be a good example to him, to love him and serve
him, doing anything he asks of me, besides sinning. We are like single people,
he lives his life and my girls and I live our lives. He has much resentment
for the Catholic Church and is not open to anything it has to offer. He refuses
natural family planning, and so we do not have a sexual relationship, which
has been a blessing to me because he does not understand anything about that
area of life, so it is a relief not to be an object for his affection so
to speak. He has been more open to children in the past few years. However,
I think by agreeing to live like brother and sister he is trying to punish
me for not using ABC or supporting him when he talked about sterilizing himself.
My question
is, I do not feel that I am helping him at all. He has not changed in the
slightest and sometimes I just feel that I am feeding the fear-monster inside
of him by catering to him and living a facade that he is perfect. He is a
narcissist, so it is like he has so many psychological problems that he doesn't
think he has any. Whenever I have gently tried to talk to him about his behavior,
he immediately starts talking about his rights and how he works so hard for
his family and he is SO good to us that I should not complain. Then if he
does admit to any fault whatsoever, it somehow came about by something that
I do wrong.
I was
depressed for 7 years of our marriage and just felt so torn about leaving
or staying. 3 years ago, I went to a priest for the anointing of the sick
before a c-section. My eyes were gradually opened to God, his Providence,
Love and goodness of how every life is a gift. I was so blind before this,
I realize that every breath I take is an opportunity to thank my Lord. I
know that God deserves so much. I guess I am confused as to what you do in
a situation so hopeless. I love my husband and want him to obtain heaven
but I just want to make sure that just praying for him is enough.
 can recognize three issues here,
two of which you ask about; so let’s begin with your
questions.
How the Children
are Affected
Your husband’s general behavior
will affect your daughters in the way any “missing” father affects
his children’s psychological and spiritual growth. I have described
these effects on my web page about The
Father, so I won’t repeat that information here.
Moreover, your husband’s
specific resentment for the Catholic Church will also affect your
daughters’ spiritual growth. In order to develop a living,
heartfelt faith, rather than a dry intellectual
and legalistic “faith,” children need to
witness both the mother and the father living
that faith from the heart. When the father rejects the faith of the mother,
the children suffer a profound loss of guidance and protection and are cheated
of a necessary spiritual example.
Nevertheless, all is not lost
if the mother can carry the weight of the father by being a spiritual example
to the children, and if she can also make it clear to the children that she
is taking on the role of a father deliberately but reluctantly; hence,
it will be critical that the mother do three things:
1. |
Clearly and honesty
explain to the children the truth of the father’s spiritual
failure; |
2. |
Engage the children
in praying for the father’s healing from his
childhood trauma and for his
repentance for the sins he has committed
because of his unhealed wounds; |
3. |
Demonstrate by teaching
and by personal example that she relies totally on her faith to carry her
burden in the family. |
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A related, but
different, circumstance often results in spiritual tragedy for the children.
When the father is not openly hostile to the Catholic faith but is either
a lukewarm Catholic or
hypocritical in his behavior, the children
will be compliant to the mother in their early years, but, once leaving home
(e.g., going to college), their unconscious anger
at their father can often erupt as anger at God, and they will abandon the
faith. |
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Temptation and
Perseverance
I agree that your marriage is
your cross in life. Your task, therefore, is to pray for your husband’s
repentance and be an unfaltering
example of Catholic faith
to him. Demonstrate to him that no matter what happens, no matter what he
does, you will not commit sin and will not relinquish your trust in God’s
providence and protection.
Now, you say that you do not
feel that you are helping your husband, and you wonder if “just praying
for him is enough.”
The point here is to realize
that it isn’t necessary to feel anything in prayer or
because of prayer, except for heartfelt
compunction and a general spiritual warmth. All that
matters is that you pray constantly and live in
humility—that is, in quiet confidence—like
a star in the midst of a twisted and depraved generation (see Philippians
2: 14–15). The pain of being surrounded by sin
will break your heart, and that soreness in your heart—those spiritual
tears—will be the water that keeps your prayer green and
fruitful. It’s not the personal sadness
of depression; it’s the spiritual sadness of
the Cross itself.
Through your husband,
Satan will tempt you to believe that your prayers
are useless and that you have failed in your faith. Resist this
temptation, though, and persevere to the
end. Literally—because it’s possible
that your husband might repent, if he repents at all, only at his last breath.
And even if he doesn’t repent, your prayers will not be wasted, because
they will be applied to someone who can benefit from them. You simply won’t
know. So persevere to the end.
Marriage to a
Non-Catholic
You say that you got married
at a time when you were blind and lost,
so you needn’t be too hard on yourself now for marrying a non-Catholic.
You’re paying the price, and you understand why you are paying the price,
and you seem to be doing it willingly, in good faith. That is all that
matters.
Still, the lessons of your experience
have great importance for Catholics in general. Your marriage to a non-Catholic
has made your life a living tragedy, so I can say this to any Catholic tempted
to marry a non-Catholic: Don’t do it. For you and for your children,
don’t do it.
Now, it’s true that marriage
to a Catholic won’t guarantee a peaceful marriage. But there
is no point in putting a stumbling block in your own path before you even
get started.
No
advertising—no sponsor—just the simple truth . . .
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